You rest well

"Go and die."

Everyone will either say this before or being said to or heard it say to someone else but do we mean what we say? 'Cause when someone is gone, someone else will be upset. There will be definitely someone crying over a death of another.

I often say that if He wants me now, He can take me. I feel I've live life enough and instead of taking someone who don't want to leave yet why not take me? I was all prepared to go. Today, I tell you, I don't want to anymore.

Life is good for me. I am not poor. I have a roof over my head, clothes to last me a lifetime, shoes bags don't even have space in my room anymore, parents who care too much, boyfriend who feeds me, friends and money enough for dailies. In fact, I am rich. Very rich.

When you left, without a word, we knew you couldn't wait for all of us to gather to say our goodbyes. You probably didn't want to see us cry and you lost the will to live. You lived for so long. You had a good life. You gave your children and grandchildren good lives. You founded Sin Soon Huat. You taught how to invest in properties. All in all, you were a good mother, businesswoman, grandmother.

But, you left us too soon. You could have waited. At least, waited for us to say bye bye. You know we , those who didn't see you for the last time, were rushing down. Now, we lived in regret.

I can't believe you are gone, Ah Ma. You were talking to me during X'mas and sitting in front of me during dinner. I even helped you to the toilet. Remember how I couldn't understand Hokkien and had to bluff my way through? Remember how I dig out my Hokkien dictionary just to ask you if lunch was good?

However, don't you worry. I promise to take good care of Eugene. You rest well.

I couldn't bear to go to the wake nor the funeral. I know I will cry my hearts out. Everyone will then either think I am retarded 'cause I met Ah Ma only twice or an emotion prick. I know I will have to to support Eugene. Life still goes on.

Ah Ma, IMYA.

Death is sudden. Unwillingly sadly sudden.

So do we mean what we say?