Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

Where's your brain at?

People tend to take things for granted. Consciously or subconsciously... as long as you take things for granted, you are shit. At a certain age, I will believe that you have gone through a fair share of like "being taken for granted" therefore there is no reason/excuse for you to not notice that you have/had taken something for granted. Not everything free that comes to you is what you deserve to be put in front of you.

Its like they live by this motto. 

Not sure if you are too poor or just too self centred. But sorry to burst your bubble, not everything revolves around your tiny weeny existence. Okay, I am not sorry. NOT. AT. ALL. Because from that moment, you are deem as a peck of dust - annoying and disgusting - in my life foreverrrr.

I mean seriously where do you really think the balls your team used for warm ups really come from? The organisers so nice to go and bring extra balls for you ah? The organisers not only book the venue, plan the event, arrange for prizes to be given out but also so fucking nice to like "HEY LETS BRING EXTRA BALLS FOR THE PLAYERS TO WARM UP!".

If I dont say this, I really cannot sleep tonight even with this (rant) entry up... YOU STUPID OR WHAT? YOU GOT BRAIN ONE OR NOT. IS YOUR BRAIN WORKING? THERE IS NO CURE FOR STUPIDITY YOU KNOW.

I mean if you dont know anything and you never been part of it, I understand. I will understand that you are ignorant, not deliberately trying to be a dumbass. But, thats not the case. Birds of the same feather flock together because your whole fucking team have no brain. Did a zombie apocalypse happened and I was unaware of it?

Because it seems like the zombies ate your brains!

Anyway, since we have already establish that you and your circle of teammates are brainless, it really makes me feel better and sincerely sorry. I mean, I think its really hard on y'all to be functioning without the most important organ. Life must be really tough on you therefore you find the need to take things for granted because you think you deserve it. I give it to you.

roll eyes to moon and back

However, next time, instead of blowing my top at my keyboard who is very innocent, I shall blow my top then and there. Its about time for y'all to find your brains and work it.

Yup, because I isnt got time for that.

You are quite lucky that oldman stepped in and stopped me from saying anything nasty to you because if you need someone to point out to how stupid your comments was given the fact that you were at the games earlier this year, I def got time for that. Secretly, I am a sadist. I enjoy telling people that they are less than below average.

Ahh, I feel so much better now thou I prolly cringe at the language used in this entry if I were to ever reread it. I prolly wont but I couldnt be bothered to phrase everything nicely with prim and proper english. Let's face it, you can understand meh?

Actually, this entry is not directed to a general You. Its really for a certain group of Yous who unfortunately exist in my life. Not in a very significant way thou but I have to have a conversation with them somehow, at least once a month. Sucks to be me.

Is it THAT bad?

I tend to overthink. Excessively overthink. As if the word "over" is not enough. I blame it on the eagerness to grow up. To prove a point. To be sensible. But I think beneath it all, I am just an empty shell.

I overthink because I feel the need to. I dont like assuming because I dont like to make an ass out of myself.

I overthink because I think its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because I dont like to be made an ass.

I overthink because I should. I should because its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because I dont like to be the ass.

I overthink because I know there is some kind of logic behind it. I just need to find it because I should. I should because its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because its a pain in the ass.

Perhaps, I need to tone it down a little. Perhaps, I am just overthinking the overthinking.

Let's just sidebar

There had been too much sadness in this space. Too much hating. Too much tears. Too much of nothing. I am such a gloomy soul that I had banished all the buoyant in me and joined the army of dejected fools. No, I kid. Christina Lim will prolly smack my ass real hard and drag me by the toe, putting me back on track. So, here I am, bearing some joyous news that happened in my life the past months.

First of all, I started dating this wonderful, athletic stud muffin for about three months now. You would prolly have known if you follow me on instagram (@robotgranny). Despite the decade age difference (which was one of my main concerns), we found ways to communicate and to agree to disagree on certain issues - none that are really major at this point of entry. Sure, not everyday is easy peasy lemon squeezy because I am not the easiest person to get along with and he prolly had already attained deity for all the random and temperamental mood swings/princess fits he had been putting up with. Wow, I just made myself sound like the worst person ever. I applaud him because there was no need for him to do so, but he did.

Conundrum, I call myself. Conundrum.

老的 Lǎo de 's patience for me is astounding and every single bone in me just want to do all the nicest things for him because ...just because. One day, I cooked. Yes, I cooked. I never had to do so because Koh likes cooking and I hate cooking. He likes putting food on my plate, he likes watching me eat while I like to see my plate filled with food and I like to eat. We had a really good food thing going on. Now, that we've broken up, I miss all the abalone congee I will get to eat when I am sick =(

I had the shortest time frame ever to cook congee because 老的 was coming down with flu and I had to meet my friends by 2030h. I knew he won't have anything nutritious to eat before popping his pills, but despite the need to get ready for a night out with my friends at the launch of Fashion TV club, the urge to cook for 老的 was very very strong.

Very very very strong.

With the help of my wonderful housekeeper, I managed to surprise him under his block with a Tupperware of piping hot chicken and century egg congee. We are both cantonese (YAY!) so I assumed that was the go-to congee. The perks of having someone special staying only 6 blocks away, you get to see him whenever you want and need. Of course, sometimes, the term "so near, yet so far" applies as well.

shamelessly throw in a random photo of me

Its only been a while. We are at what people call the "honeymoon period" although we are not together officially but things have been going rather smoothly and I've got a good feeling about this. Then again, its only human to err.

****
Moving on, Chris and I tagged along with Issac and Val for the launch of Fashion TV club.

With IssacRitz. Thanks for the invite, sweetie.

My homegirl, Chris Lim.

Principal with principles Val Low

New found friend, Zul

Group photo together with Michelle Fei and beau.

Yes, I've notice how much I've balloon-ed.

If you, like me, havent gone to Clark Quay for a while, please do. Fashion TV club has two rooms - Hiphop and Progressive House - and its nicely located next to Rasputin Restaurant. Grab a bite there and then party your night at Fashion TV club.

Best thing is, they have their own line of events and drinks. The whole idea of the club is so refreshing and creative. It kinda reminded me of Route66 in Bangkok, only prettier.

P/s: the taxi stand is so near, you can afford to drink to your fill and still grab a cab home safely.

****
Before you think I am all party and nothing good ever happens when with me, you are dead wrong. Some of you might remember what I do for a living. What I do for a living is very noble and I salute myself for the amount of patience and love I have for the humans I work with. I am jus so easily attached, it drives me nuts!

There is some good in me. I like to imagine that and I know actions speaks louder than words, and a picture speaks a thousand words. Therefore, believe it or not, ..

 Head of People's Association photobomb-ed me when the purpose of this photo was for me to photobomb him.

I volunteer.

Yes, yes, I do. I am the Publicity and New Media Secretary for Taman Jurong Community Club Youth Executive Committee (TJCC YEC). This is my second term (every term last for 2 years) and I dont brag about the things I've done because what I've done is just to sit at home, design banners and posters or creating buzz for our upcoming events behind the (computer) screen. Nothing noble,  really and I try to avoid being seen because I feel that I have an image to uphold.

Even Boon Lay CC YEC was shocked to see me as a PAYM Legatus (just fancy word for Ambassador) for #SGYouthsCare. "CELINE? YOU ARE HERE? VOLUNTEERING???" - was the response I got -.-

Eric and I put our smiles on!

As a Legatus, we are supposed to snap photos and upload them on instagram (@TJYOUTHS). In a way, I guess this is a way to cover news? Almost like a reporter. Almost.

I never seen such thing before other than in circus. Apparently its like street workout so no gym required. If you happen to live in Canberra, Sembawang, Singapore, you are in luck! They are one of the Youth Chapters. Please go check it out. The oldest guy is like 43??! Amazing.

****
Right, I've come to the last good news of the entry. *drums roll*

I passed. I dont know what's my result is still but I didnt receive any SMS for a retest. Therefore you are readiing an entry, written by a girl by the name of Celine who can sign! Not excessively but hey, I am done with Intermediate Stage. The next and last stage is Advance, which I doubt I'd be continuing.

As much as I enjoy signing, there is no point and no one to practise with. I might just end up forgetting whatever I've learnt. I've forgotten all the Japanese I've learn when I was 14. I got a Intermediate Certificate for that too.

Oh well, life is such.

Cheers to mid week!

baby, its not the same

It has been a while. My apologies.

I reckon the times we shared are not judged based on the quantity of it but of the quality of it. There have been quite a few obstacles this month. Me, being me, definitely have my way or two of curbing/overcoming these obstacles. Others, not so much. I am alright if you need my two cents worth or need a listening ear. However, it have to come to a point where you either figure things out yourself, or heed my advice. I cannot keep listening to your complains because "life is short, move on",

Looking at photos of the happier times makes me wonder why don't everyone sit their asses down, and find the root of all evil? Eliminate the bad and you have the good, or simply be the friend who everyone wants to have and trash it out. I never like walking away from a problem but it really takes two hands to clap. If you think you can salvage it, why dont you do it? There has to be a limit nonetheless. That's up to one to decide where that said limit lies. Walk away with no regrets if you must.

Guilt trippin' is just stooping down to a level of I despise you.

The lack of motivation to pen down my thoughts has caused me to be really bad at writing. It seems that the vocab I once had is gone, and all that I've left is basic grammar and primary school list of words. I need to start reading and find my mojo back. I AM A MASS COMM GRAD FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Sometimes, I am just soooo disappointed at myself. I also need to find some me alone time - to find myself again.

I am a very emotional person, truth be told. I cry at every little touching story I hear and every scene in a romantic movie. As long as a character is in tears, you prolly catch me in tears too. That's beside the point. The point is I am greatly affected by everyone's actions. I chose not to show it. But secretly, whenever I see the happier past, I am like "why did yall change?" "why can't yall remain good together?".

People change, things change. Some go with the flow, others get led by the nose. Do you see the irony? Idk how to end this entry. I am just so sick and tired of pretentious beings. Okay, bye.

Racism

After watching an anti racism awareness video from this < http://www.upworthy.com/a-boy-makes-anti-muslim-comments-in-front-of-an-american-soldier-the-soldiers-reply-priceless> website, I find it extremely inspiring that people are standing up against racism. Especially when the soldier stood up for the cashier. He is truly one to be respected. When you're placed in a situation where you are trying to recover from the loss of comrades on the battlefield and facing your enemies who have a different religion from you, it's difficult to remain neutral but ever easy to form biased judgements against them. However, yet he realizes the true meaning behind his fighting - peace and equality. (However, this does not represent my stand against the war with Syria as that is entirely two different matters.)

Racism can't never be done away with like how we can never do away with people who are quick to judge. Human nature tends to be quick to judge but not to understand. But then again, how many times can we understand before we are conformed by the circumstances that forces us to judge almost immediately. If we see someone acting shady and using the shadows as their cover, we immediately become alert of our belongings but what if he or she was just a shy individual? However, the fact that we all just want to play safe and place ourselves first mean racism can never go away. In fact, many other selfish behaviors that arise from this will never go away and humanity can never attain peace completely. 

This entry is just how I feel about racism briefly.... Earnestly, I pray that we can do away with racism eventually because we are all equal beings and colors are not meant to be used for discrimination and in my belief, Christianity, God did not give us colors as a mean to judge and discriminate. If so, then we would not be just brown, yellow or white. I believe there would be so much more. 

And yes, I will stop procrastinating about my make up entry but I just felt that this is so much more important..

Signing off,

XT9A