Monday, July 1, 2013

Finding myself

I didnt mean to neglect this space. I love this space and I want to keep it forever. Its my only online sanctuary without any restriction of characters and image uploads. I had to let go of it for awhile. I had some concerns that because my life is an almost open book, I am not myself anymore. Its like I must have this persona -someone who is fearless and strong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

My heart had been broken a million times this summer. Every holiday I went, I came back with shocking news in my face. Being me, I blew things out of proportion. However, every friend (just only 2 of them) whom I spoke to says otherwise. "Its natural to react this way", they say. "I would too (react the way you did)." Perhaps I didnt speak to the right people.

Those who knew (since day 1) been telling me to leave. There is no point staying in a place where I am happy sometimes, abuse (verbally or otherwise) every other day and neglected every day of the week. This wasnt the path I want for my love life. But I just wouldnt give up. I have stop expecting. Well, stop expecting things will go great OR EVEN GOOD. For someone who watches too much reality TV, I toned down a truckloads in expectations. Now, all I want is to be happy. Pure simple everyday happiness. A simple hug, an innocent smile or just a text message containing that 3 words.

The tolerance level I have for him is just too damn high. I keep trying and trying to make us work. To make things work. I give in, I submit. I have never felt so worthless in my life. Ive been fighting a losing battle. Ive been the last placing for a very long time. Every one and every thing comes before me and I get it. I get that there are things he wants to do other than spending another 5 minutes with me. Like what for, really. I get that he's at that stage where he needs to start building his career. For our future (if there is one or if I am even in that planning). I get that I shouldnt stand in the way of him and his friend. Because bros before hoes.

But I think there should be a limit to how much I can hold back. Ive yet to find that invisible line.

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