Of Habits and Addictions

Us in '13

**** I was with EK for many years and throughout these many years, it had been a bumpy roller coaster ride without any seat belts on. It was scary at times, however thrilling and fun. EK gradually became my comfort zone. When we speak about breakup, we spoke about finding what we had in another person. Conclusion has always been "Unlikely/Not possible".

EK is one who knows love. He is someone I could bare my soul to because he listens and knows what to say. He is someone I could bare my naked body to because he makes me feel beautiful. He is someone I could call whenever because he is there for me. He is a very special someone to me. No one would ever understand the chemistry we shared.

Soon, I got hooked.

Having EK in my life gave me a sense of security in life; when all else fails, EK would still be standing there smiling at me, lifting the world on his shoulders... just for me. He constantly gives in to my whines/rants/needs/wants. To be honest, despite his flaws, he tries his very best to give me the very best. That made me love him, flaws and all.

I always knew EK would eventually get sick of me. The 5 years was full of EK kept giving and I kept receiving. I didn't know how to express my love for EK via actions. I didnt know how to show that I care via actions. Emotionally, I was a broken doll. Our break up was inevitable. I've always saw it coming, but I thought if I held on longer, EK will get over the phase and we will still be happy together.

EK was someone who puts in a lot of effort. He cooked, he cleaned, he made sure to plant surprise snacks in my bag when I go off to work. He took care of me when I am sick, regardless how serious the illness was. He made sure I receive my favourite flowers every V'day. He gave in to my every wimp. He planted kisses on me every morning if I am still in bed. He wrote notes and placed them in my wallet (some of them are still in my wallet) randomly. He was overall sweet and I was demanding.

Our last one and a half year together, we tried different ways to get along. I tried to loosen up and allowed EK to fly as far away as he wants to, thinking that he will fly back home because he knows I am waiting for him. EK did flew home, but it wasn't till 6 in the morning. By 3 am, I was already picking a fight with him for him to come home qiuck. I guess, I couldn't do the whole open relationship thing.. 'cause I became needy.

I moved back to my Parental's, with EK's approval. However, once I was settled down/got used to sleeping alone, EK started to call me every night. He would call to ask what time to pick me up to go somewhere then stay over his place or he could just check on me, which I appreciated. Some nights if we hang, I would insist on going back to my parents', some nights I would give in. Soon, we were both very tired, mentally and physically.

One day, he told me he found someone he said he love and who loved him back the way I couldn't whilst on his nights out with his BFF. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out this someone who I have an unspoken connection with whilst being miserable knowing EK and I were on the rocks. EK and I wouldn't grow old together anymore. We had reached our limits and it was really time to let go.

Letting go was the hardest part. Knowing that he had moved on and brought the girl home the very next day was devastating. I cried every 10 minutes, I wouldn't eat nor get out of bed, I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I don't know when will the pain end. I've lost a boyfriend, lover, partner, best friend overnight. Its been quite a while now since the day I packed everything and left. Do I regret leaving him? No. I reckon the people you meet at the wrong time, is the wrong person. I will admit I am still in love with the EK I knew in 09, the EK I planned to grow old with, the EK I woke up to everyday. I am still grieving, and I will grieve all I want.

A Dummies' Guide to Skincare Routine (with photos)

It took me a few years but it's never too late to start on a routine . I never knew what comes first , I can never remember what comes first. Do I cleanse, moisturize then tone or tone first then moisturize? In order to aid me (and my goldfish memory), my friends had to write numbers down on the bottles ...but I can still forget.

It wasn't until the complexion went haywire that I put in effort to remember ! Guess it takes a "crisis" to get me started .

I haven't post something in awhile and I refuse to only post angry stuff this year . I need to be zen and calm my tits down. But I've nothing to blog about . So.... Here's an amateur's guide to a skincare routine: 

Hi, here's me. With makeup at 1 in the morning .

Here's me. Without makeup and after I finished my skincare routine at 1.50am on the same day. Is it me or is the photo not focus =/

I think got no difference because iPhone 5S front camera not as zai as iPhone 6. However I'm sure I look slightly radiant ? Self praise is definitely no praise at all. Ya ya ya, it's my post, not yours . So praise the Lord that my complexion is better than this :

credits here 

So I ran out of my Biore makeup remover wipes. I found this in my drawer, checked and it wasn't expired ! Scored. 

NO MORE THIS ONE SO I ANYHOW USE SOMETHING ELSE .

Its texture is like a piece of wet tissue and it removes my makeup with a very light swipe . Then again, I don't put on getai makeup therefore my argument is invalid.

Makeup removed! Cannot even see the makeup on the wipes . But hello, I'm barefaced on the Internet. Whadduppppp!

Another photo of me without makeup 'cause wo shuang . 

Side by side compare ; left makeup right no makeup . This is why it's a dummies' guide . I'm such a bad selfie taker *insertsadface

Moving on. I use my mum's facial wash 'cause I'm lazy. Lazy to buy my own. Lazy to try which is better for my skin but ...

It brightens my face ! Every time I step out of the shower I am in awe! I love the rosy cheeks I have on although I'm not sure if it's because of the steam from the hot water .

Okay, so I tone. XT9A intro this to me . I loved the smell so despite the fact I don't see an improvement to my skin, I'm still using it. I mean, I still got more than half a bottle !

Tone tone tone upwards ! I wish I can tone my arms at the same time so it won't be so flabby . 

Kohs mum used this as well and this bottle was given to me by her before the breakup. I love using this ! Makes my face feels so bouncy and white . Maybe because I am Asian... we like being fair skinned.

Put every where ! 

 

Let's moisturize in circular motion ! Let the skin adorb the goodness! 

There you go ! All done. Cleanse. Tone. Moisturize . I am so in love with how I look after I finish doing my skincare routine. More radiant. Fairer. And clean.

Before and after . However I know I should improve on ALOT more. I'm still finding my way and hopefully you would drop a comment / advice or two to help me improve my skin condition ! 

Next up, how I put my daily makeup ! 

P/s : NO EDITS WERE DONE TO ANY OF THE PHOTOS. 

us

I am nothing like her, and she's nothing like me.

I will never understand why you would chose someone like her over someone like me. How did your taste change overnight? What did I do to have pushed you so far away from me? I stood by you thru hard times. I supported you thru hard times. I was there for you all the time.

But, where were you when I needed you?

I pondered over our relationship every now and then. How did this bittersweet emotion feel so right? How did I manage to overlook every single flaws of yours? How was it possible that every inch of you is beautiful to me? Why did I even try to see your beauty?

I loved you, thats why.

I cherished our fights, our disagreements, our everything negative. I think it adds spice to our relationship and I wouldn't exchange any second of that for the world. All the battle scars we had are all worth it. All the heated exchanges were all worth it.

Because, it means we were fighting for each other.

There are so much more I'd do for you then that I will still do for you now. I hope you are doing great. I hope she takes good care of you , even more than I ever did. I hope you have found your one true love. I hope she has also found her one true love.

That girl who is nothing like me.

Laze

Sunset at Ko Phi Phi . 

The littlest things picks you up and turns you around. If you feel discourage, there is always a lack of colour until you find the littlest thing - the spectrum A to Z . It's the littlest things that don't matter, matter. I should have given you a reason to stay, but I chose to walk away .

This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in months . Everything about us was based on my fantasy ; that voice in my head . I've been thinking lately, you don't need me anymore . And god knows, it's a common misconception that you are the one for me . I was certain about it . In fact, I could flew you to France if you asked. 

Of course, that doesn't matter anymore , because the littlest things do not exist . 

I love blogging -

There is no doubt in the world about that.

I started when I was barely of age to know what harm the Internet had for me and throughout my adolescent, I've created and abandoned a few online diaries of mine. You see, I've always been a pens-on person. Then in 2010, I decided that the Gemini in me needed an online sanctuary; somewhere I can rant the angsty kid in me out to the public without being/feeling guilty.

There are many reasons why I like this space. There are many reasons why people like a space like this. There are many reasons why. Here's my list, just to name a few -

1) Blogging brought me to places I never knew I'd go;

Velvet Zouk KL

Genting

Bintan

2) Met people I've never knew I'd meet;

My first group of fun lovin' blogging friends!

My first female blogging friends !

Met Ang.

Met Yuhao who I think stopped blogging.

Met HP and Clarence Kor.

Met a previous Team Singapore Bodybuilder.

Met SpongeBob.

3) Do things I've never thought I'd do;

Pose awkwardly in front of a statue overseas.

Experience Snow.

Write wishes on lantern and set it off into the air.

Went on a local amazing race adventure and won.

4) Experience food and drinks the way I've never thought I'd experience.

With a bunch of newly made friends.

Atas food on an atas setting.

First event with Oldman who enjoyed beer very much that day.

This space has not been as exciting as I would love it to be nor as exciting as it could be but it is and always will be a place I call mine. There hasn't been much on my plate when comes to blogging and I've been very peace-loving recently. But, I still do hope to continue taking up cyberspace and add more things to my list of "why I blog". I do not call myself a blogger because there are many people out there more worthy of this label. I say I am a creative individual who express herself thru a social media platform, namely blogger.

However, as I grew taller, I learnt that some things are just not meant for the WWW. With that, I am also very much in love with my white lined paper and colourful Smiggle pens. Give me that for X'mas and we will be best friends forever.

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Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

Is it THAT bad?

I tend to overthink. Excessively overthink. As if the word "over" is not enough. I blame it on the eagerness to grow up. To prove a point. To be sensible. But I think beneath it all, I am just an empty shell.

I overthink because I feel the need to. I dont like assuming because I dont like to make an ass out of myself.

I overthink because I think its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because I dont like to be made an ass.

I overthink because I should. I should because its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because I dont like to be the ass.

I overthink because I know there is some kind of logic behind it. I just need to find it because I should. I should because its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because its a pain in the ass.

Perhaps, I need to tone it down a little. Perhaps, I am just overthinking the overthinking.

baby, its not the same

It has been a while. My apologies.

I reckon the times we shared are not judged based on the quantity of it but of the quality of it. There have been quite a few obstacles this month. Me, being me, definitely have my way or two of curbing/overcoming these obstacles. Others, not so much. I am alright if you need my two cents worth or need a listening ear. However, it have to come to a point where you either figure things out yourself, or heed my advice. I cannot keep listening to your complains because "life is short, move on",

Looking at photos of the happier times makes me wonder why don't everyone sit their asses down, and find the root of all evil? Eliminate the bad and you have the good, or simply be the friend who everyone wants to have and trash it out. I never like walking away from a problem but it really takes two hands to clap. If you think you can salvage it, why dont you do it? There has to be a limit nonetheless. That's up to one to decide where that said limit lies. Walk away with no regrets if you must.

Guilt trippin' is just stooping down to a level of I despise you.

The lack of motivation to pen down my thoughts has caused me to be really bad at writing. It seems that the vocab I once had is gone, and all that I've left is basic grammar and primary school list of words. I need to start reading and find my mojo back. I AM A MASS COMM GRAD FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Sometimes, I am just soooo disappointed at myself. I also need to find some me alone time - to find myself again.

I am a very emotional person, truth be told. I cry at every little touching story I hear and every scene in a romantic movie. As long as a character is in tears, you prolly catch me in tears too. That's beside the point. The point is I am greatly affected by everyone's actions. I chose not to show it. But secretly, whenever I see the happier past, I am like "why did yall change?" "why can't yall remain good together?".

People change, things change. Some go with the flow, others get led by the nose. Do you see the irony? Idk how to end this entry. I am just so sick and tired of pretentious beings. Okay, bye.

What do you enjoy?

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& of course, how can we not submit one? PRIZES SO NAISE ONE. Must try to get one hopefully. 

After my boyf intro-ed me to One Piece, I became HOOKED onto it. Luffy has the most funniest reactions that no one can ever predict and my favouritest Tony Tony Chopper!! So cute and fluffy!! Brook is also damn lame. Zoro and Sanji has the funniest quarrels. Nami, always exasperated by Luffy, and Nico Robin who is always so calm and composed. Usopp! Finally toughened up. hehehe. And!! SSSSSUUUUPPPPEERRRRR Franky!! Supppppeerrrrr! ohmahgawd. I think I love One Piece. hahahaa

And thanks to 4G, I am now onto the latest part of Punk Hazard. No more videos giving me the omg-can-you-please-don't-jam-at-this-moment or st-st-st-stutt-stutt-stuttering videos.

You need a picture of me. Yes. You. DO!

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READ IT. LOVE IT. SHARE IT.

Signing off,

XT9A

Mid life crisis

A sign is all I need. I need a sign from the universe.

Turning 24 was no fun.

I've been stuck in a battle where unless someone sweeps me off my feet, there is no way I can get out of the battle field. That prince charming has to look like the one Cinderella met at the ball. And fairy tales do no exist.

All these while, it's a miracle I was hoping for, wishing for. That miracle happened. He's no prince charming and unlike the storybook, we are not going to live happily ever after.

Someone has finally swept me off my feet. It's not easy to do so but he did. He makes me gush like a 14 year old with his words; that missing ingredient in the broth koh and I were cooking.

That broth is now ruin. There is no way I alone can salvage it and there is no way I would want to salvage it alone. When it's broken and you have fixed it a million times, throw it away. The more you keep it, the harder it is to let go.

I wrote this "when you realise things arent working, throw away. the longer you keep it, the more attached you will be. this also applies to relationships." on facebook on the 29th of January. It took me 8 months to to practice what I preach and because I was that attached.

Now that I know I do have market value if I just take the stupid leap of faith, there is no need for me to harp over spilt milk or the what ifs. With that, I no longer need anyone to sweep or mop me. I am on my own and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Maybe its.. Maybelline!

You know how I am not a beauty blogger and I blog about everything and anything.. After attending Maybelline's recent event at Zouk, I am ready. Ready to blog about beauty. Beauty is not just skin deep but I reckon, it is something I can cough out with to make this space slightly more interesting for you and I. 

Something cooking. Rockets and pretty girls. Now if any product has robot in it, I am sold. Rockets.. we can try to be friends first.

Best photo I could take of Tosh without being in the middle of screaming girls and giving them a chance to ruin my ear drums. I swear fangirls are the worst of all fans. Their voice like a loud hailer that never spoils and doesnt need batteries.

Then Laoshi came out to demo the product. I never knew that you should actually dap your newly open mascara first before applying it on your lashes.

 Beatrice was the eye model for the day. The right way to apply and ta-dah the difference!

So apparently mascara is supposingly very easy to apply.. so easy that boys can help girls apply. But I dont dare. Later poke my eyes how. Better dont play with this kind of thing.

Thanks Ang for the invite. I love being her plus one. Say real one ah, must thank myself for starting to blog and Nuffnang for giving me tons of exposure (albeit not enough *hint) to be able to meet really wonderful nice humble people. Aside from Silver whom I met during Genting trip, I will never forget the bunch of people I met at the 2011 Awards Ceremony in KL.

Then, my favourite part . Really, you see pictures you know already. You see you see where I zoom in, you think I fa hua chi.

So tempted to like hold an ad for these two abs. MISSING. PLEASE RETURN WHEN FOUND.

So Maybelline rocket mascara is not out in stores yet. Its coming out in Sept. I didnt manage to get to try it. The makeup booth queue was toooo damn long and I isnt got no patience for that. I didnt even collect my drink for the night.

For more information of this product, please visit: MAYBE ITS MAYBELLINE