Laze

Sunset at Ko Phi Phi . 

The littlest things picks you up and turns you around. If you feel discourage, there is always a lack of colour until you find the littlest thing - the spectrum A to Z . It's the littlest things that don't matter, matter. I should have given you a reason to stay, but I chose to walk away .

This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in months . Everything about us was based on my fantasy ; that voice in my head . I've been thinking lately, you don't need me anymore . And god knows, it's a common misconception that you are the one for me . I was certain about it . In fact, I could flew you to France if you asked. 

Of course, that doesn't matter anymore , because the littlest things do not exist . 

Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

Bird's-eye View

Her eyes fixated on him. That man across the multipurpose hall, full of charm. He greeted them. Its never going happen, she thought to herself as she holds and cuddles the only sweetheart she had been with for many years. Its never going to happen, she assured herself once again. Subconsciously, she was stealing glances. Subconsciously, she was, stealing glances. Subconsciously.

The game started. She tried her best to remove his presence from the court. He smelt nice. No. No. He doesn't exist. No. No. He smelt nice. No. No. Get out of my head, she repeated in a rhythmic phrase. That's not the way to hold the ball, he offered her suggestion about the best course of action to her. Shut up, she bellowed in a loud but sharp way, jokingly. The whole hall could almost hear her despite the commotion surrounding the space. Was she rude? She doesn't care. All she wanted was for her heart to stop beating at an accelerated speed. For a moment there, the atmosphere was at a standstill. She reckoned she was going to have her breath cut off quickly and unexpectedly. She thought she was going to die.

Her heart should stop being such a Know-It-All.

It wasn't as though he wanted her as badly as she wanted him at first sight - oh, that charm, that winning beaming smile, that strand of hair that wouldn't go down. She watched as he got closer. Not to her. Her heart sunk as she held on tighter to her sweetheart, as though giving her support and strength. That man across the multipurpose hall, full of charm, planting a kiss on a long haired, shapely but ghastly looking.. son of a bitch! She was scarred by that image. That image that clouded her mind.



Her eyes still fixated on him, as she walked out of the hall with a swag. She couldn't resist his charms yet she couldn't get a second serving even if she tried. She didn't come back for awhile. She couldn't. She wouldn't. She shouldn't. I watched as she hid away her fondness for him, as she suppressed her want to shower him with affection, as she omitted her adoration of him, as she walked away with her bags, holding the hands of her only sweetheart she will regret being with for many years.

'tis the season to be around imbeciles

You read it right - Its that time of the year again where there are too many, for the lack of a better word, stupid people around me - almost like I am a disc shaped magnet for mindless dimwits. As if I have an abundance of patience to spend on these people, Santa saw the need to team me up with them to make sure I am on his "NICE" list. Story of my life.

While I do not expect many to see things my way, please dont expect me to also see it your way. Instead of shooting your mouth off as and when you please, use that thing you call a brain to consider your actions before acting on it. I don't think you honestly need anyone to advice you on how to function however, you are not the only who is tired/had a long day. Don't misuse that phrase.

Come the fuck on, woman. You are bloody 25, not 5.

Afterall, I am only human. There is only this much I can remember, this much I can say, this much I can do. You can have a million and one things to do, so can I. Everyone needs a little help and a little push to get things going on. My way of getting motivated works the fuck on me and I dont need you to pass judgements under your breath. You have a bloody issue with me, you bloody tell me. And when you finally found the balls to do so, spare yourself the humiliation and type it out in word.doc and make sure you "option+command+L" that shit first before opening your damn mouth.

Nah, I give you a festive ball to get your ball rolling

I knew for a fact that its highly unlikely for us to be able to work together but I tried. I've never held back so much in my life because of the level of respect I give to O. Today, if I hold on to anything more, future Celine will be cursing at me. I felt the need to unleash, I felt the need to tell you the things I tell you - while being "tactful", hoping that there is hope in you for me to gain your understanding.

To sum it up, it was a waste of time and effort. Judgements had already been passed on. There was no point in salvaging what was left. We cannot co exist therefore the ruining the chances of Santa climbing into my chimmey, eating the cookies I leave out for him and in return, he leaves me a present under the tree . Curse you, past Celine. You should have just suck it up, knowing that imbeciles can't talk reason.

"its a sad truth that not everyone can accept you being you". - Christina Lim, Nov 2013

Yes, my bad. These were silly mistakes I could have easily avoided should I have just listened to myself from the very start. Where has the old Celine gone to? Although I usually pass really quick judgements, but they were never wrong. It all begin when I was convinced that there is optimism in everyone for me to seek understanding from. Woe is me.

Bottomlne, not everyone works the same way and can overcome the differences in order to get things done at the end of the day. I think the most important part is to be mature about it and own up to mistakes. My mistakes, I reckon, were to have believed that there is good in people despite my first impression and its okay to give second chances to certain group of individuals. I shouldnt have trust myself to dive head in into a situation I already anticipate to be undesirable. I shouldnt have condone to people.

"Thee of utmost boredom in relentless finding of nothing to doeth should find something to doeth. Lest the dark of the nigh snatches your wake hours" - Christina Lim, Nov 2013. I secretly am amused at her especially when its 3 in the morning. The stuff she conjures up is.. mindblowing.

Either way, with a tummy full of displease, I am determine to make it right and prove some people wrong about their perception of me. I may not be the easiest person to work with but, i will make damn sure that its your sorry ass that they will be bitching about. Celine does not take things lying down without a fight. Celine goes to war.

Is it THAT bad?

I tend to overthink. Excessively overthink. As if the word "over" is not enough. I blame it on the eagerness to grow up. To prove a point. To be sensible. But I think beneath it all, I am just an empty shell.

I overthink because I feel the need to. I dont like assuming because I dont like to make an ass out of myself.

I overthink because I think its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because I dont like to be made an ass.

I overthink because I should. I should because its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because I dont like to be the ass.

I overthink because I know there is some kind of logic behind it. I just need to find it because I should. I should because its for the best. Its for the best because I felt the need to. I felt the need to because I dont like assuming. I dont like assuming because its a pain in the ass.

Perhaps, I need to tone it down a little. Perhaps, I am just overthinking the overthinking.