The amount of mindful fucks I give is

0. Zero. None. Kosong.

Usually I see myself having to handle people with low intelligence during the end of the year. In 2014, all was calm. I thought I broke the curse once and for all. Then came Jan 2015. 

But, there is a twist! Oh what fun.

What I've learnt is : Stupid people are nothing compared to those who are book smart but have no street cred to save themselves . Although no matter how advance technology is, there is no cure for stupidity . That we cannot blame. However, no matter how educated a person is (with degree / masters / phd from our local university), if they are not street smart, they also cannot learn how to be street smart from books ie. Study so much also no use . 

Difference between book smart and street smart : book smart reads books, street smart reads between the lines .

With that, here's my response .

Truth be told, I really don't give a rat's ass how you view me nor how you feel about me . I don't live for you neither do I feed on your abundance of love , if any.

I say what I want to say , do what I want to do, sit the way I want to sit, speak the way I want to speak, sleep whenever I want to sleep, pay no attention whenever I want to pay no attention. This is me being mindful of my personal desires.

Of course, I'm just pointing fingers at a handful of people on this social media platform . I am doing Publicity afterall. Where better to point my fingers at and how else better ? Being a keyboard warrior is the same as bitching behind someone's back, except I have a wider audience . 

For I am a thousand times bitchier. Here's what I would love to address.

1) Don't ask for committee's immediate approval if I am supposed be "smart" about it and ask to "take it offline", just because I asked too many questions as I am not book smart . Yes, there wasn't any need for me to understand because it's kinda NONE OF MY BUSINESS , but mind you, I am part of the committee . Therefore I can take an hour of the meeting to fully comprehend if needed to. I can't be and won't be nodding my head along rest due to time constraints. 

Also, I don't even think that's the correct term as we were offline =[

Then again, what do I know ? Y'all are the smartest ones !

2) I'm not sorry at all for not participating in the workshop . I've already said my apologizes to the one conducting and if i like to attend workshops, there are plenty provided by PA . 

Thing is I don't, especially if I am not interested in it.

3) I feel as thou I got trolled. Every time any of us organize events, we also produce a program. I don't see why you and you should be of any difference . However, the only information given to us was the venue and start&end timing . Whatever happened to the inbetween? I took the initiative to ask for the second day's plan so I can plan my own activities . I asked not just once, but three times to confirm. I even drop a text in the chatgroup and there wasn't any response . You and you who knows the exact timing or that there are changes should just reply and not have me blindly wait under the hot sun. I called upon reaching just to find out that y'all will be arriving an hour later . This caused a turbulence to my schedule . I had to make my way home instead . Time wasted. Money wasted . Above all, I could have a better planning of my own activities .

#FML

4) If you don't know, don't talk cock. Don't come and tell someone else saying dodgeball IG is unsustainable if I have to be there at every session. Like watering a water pipe ; it will not grow. 

(Actually, it will grow...grow rusty. LOL )

Will. Not. Grow ?!?!?!

So funny, it deserves two memes.

You must be kidding me. Because since the last we spoke , many things have change . I am truly disappointed in you. First of all, you don't even know how we run things , you don't even bother to find out . Secondly, you have never joined us in any session, in any events . Thirdly , honestly what have you done as a Sports Secretary? Perhaps you should do some mindful reflecting before saying mindless stuff .

I am only 67/90 on the mindful scale !

Someone asked me what is PAYM all about . I said a group of youths with the same ideology coming together to build a better community between communities . Apparently, I was lying through my teeth . I am very proud of what I've contributed thus far and feel that I've done my part to the fullest. There is only so much I can do yet I have definitely done so much more than the previous conveyor. 

You want successful and regular small scale events? Here's 4 since I took over.

Yes, I may refuse to participate in other activities that is of a bigger scale involving other committees, that doesn't mean I am a pushover . I am just not like most you. I don't find joy to be involved in other things . If you noticed me the way you notice other people, you will find that my talent lies within kids and they are who I love working with. 

Not everyone can handle 30 running kids at one time.

I maybe rude (and crude) in some of your eyes but that's because you fail to read between the lines. You fail to read tones and facial expressions. You fail at the streets. Therefore , take offense all you want , because 

us

I am nothing like her, and she's nothing like me.

I will never understand why you would chose someone like her over someone like me. How did your taste change overnight? What did I do to have pushed you so far away from me? I stood by you thru hard times. I supported you thru hard times. I was there for you all the time.

But, where were you when I needed you?

I pondered over our relationship every now and then. How did this bittersweet emotion feel so right? How did I manage to overlook every single flaws of yours? How was it possible that every inch of you is beautiful to me? Why did I even try to see your beauty?

I loved you, thats why.

I cherished our fights, our disagreements, our everything negative. I think it adds spice to our relationship and I wouldn't exchange any second of that for the world. All the battle scars we had are all worth it. All the heated exchanges were all worth it.

Because, it means we were fighting for each other.

There are so much more I'd do for you then that I will still do for you now. I hope you are doing great. I hope she takes good care of you , even more than I ever did. I hope you have found your one true love. I hope she has also found her one true love.

That girl who is nothing like me.

Ti-gers

Dont say I never wong you  ^^
Article idea courtesy of Silver .

First we had the bubble tea craze, then the donut craze, followed by GongCha/Koi craze , and here we are at the Siam Tiu* craze. The world is constantly changing its trend and I am at a crossroad. At every trend, I could understand each and every pro and cons, and I obviously took sides; like it or not. Nonetheless, every trend was toxic in its own little ways.. except the last - Siam Tiu. It's toxic as fuck.

Hollywood Thai Disco - Looks fun, meh?

Don't get me wrong. I dont hate Thailand. What is there is hate ? Everything is cheap there, and because its so near Singapore (mere 2 hours flight), I believe everyone agrees that its the perfect getaway for shopaholics. I have so many Thai friends sometimes its impossible to meet them all up on one trip.

Even finnfinnthebettertwin hearts Bangkok!

What I hate... is the idea of a Siam Tiu and its purpose. I've been to three different discos on three separate occasions and yup, my perspective of a Siam Tiu has never change. The working girls were mediocre, the music was shit, and worse of all, its always dramatic. However, I've never really had any problems with their existence. It takes two to clap - these girls, although on social visit pass, are just out to earn a living; decent or not. Men, horny enough, will just go for it.

I would like to think that if I am a guy, I would have better standards than this.

I dont ever remember ever telling myself or to my friends "such a great night. we should come here again." at the end of our drinking sessions. Unlike Zouk or Butter or even Sluttica.

Ultimately, almost all men are the same. This was where the problems I have with Siam Tiu started.

When my childhood friend (who is half Thai) got himself involved with a Thai girl, I was like "hey, he's going back to half of his roots". I was genuinely happy for him because he finally found love despite how dramatic his girlfriend's reaction was to my existence. I backed off naturally. This means no contact whatsoever with that friend whom I've known for many years whenever the girlfriend was in town or he's overseas with her.

I dont know where or how in the blue moon I've offended her but just the same, I couldnt stand the sight of her anyway. I learnt to live and respect my friend's decision. I even tried to be in the same room with her because I am bro enough but yah, some things just cannot be forced.

Note; I am not indicating that my friend's girlfriend is a gold digger. Please do not spread nasty 

rumours. 

Secretly, I always feel that these Thai working girls are here for the same reason - to earn more money. Then, because of one or two black sheeps who started dating them and showering them with more money, soon the trend of dating a Thai working girl ignited. What does that mean for us Singaporean girls who want to settle down with a Singaporean man? Shit, really. Shit.

Asians, Singaporeans in general imho, women have the tendency of wanting to dating White men, I get that. Perhaps we feel that they have more earning power hence due to the standard of living here, we succumb to dating someone whom we think can give us better lives. Singaporean men forever complaining about how gullible these women are. Now, the tables are turned. Singaporean men are suddenly the White men in Thai culture!

It must have been such a huge impact on every Singaporean men's ego.

So in recent events, one of my very very close friend got himself involved with a Thai girl too and he said to be very much in love with her despite knowing her for barely a month. He was with his girlfriend for nearly 5 years and broke things off with her so that he could bring the Thai girl home. He brought her home the very night she left. Needless to say, he's no longer in our lives.

We are still in mourning period and I came across this status posted by a stranger.. who is a guy, by the way. It hit home. The article rulings went -

To my dear friends who are addicted to Thai Clubs.

Thai Club Anti Gong Tao Rules:

No. 1 - Puying are here for work. They are not looking for a relationship with you.

No. 2 - Puying give you the Girlfriend Effect (GFE). Please do not mistake this for love.

No. 3 - Puying have a daily quota for Ladies Drinks. They will flirt with you to meet this quota.

No. 4 - Puying exchange their numbers so as to sms you "i miss you", "will you come find me"... It is their usual practice so don't think you are special.

No. 5 - It is quite common to bring Puying to supper after their work or even go out on their off days. They are just finding a guy to provide the free transport service, food, entertainment and shopping spree. Obviously they will treat u like their bf during such sessions.

No. 6 - Darling or teerak is easy for them to call out to you. Please realise that every customers to them can be a darling or teerak and don't feel that you are the only special one.

No. 7 - Do not prioritize them over your job, family and true friends.

No. 8 - Deep dive into your mind and ask yourself (Its love or lust?).

No. 9 - You ARE just another customer.

No. 10 - Hurt them rather than getting yourself hurt (That's the basis of most of the Thai songs out there 555).

No. 11 - Make them fall for you first.

No. 12 - Don't give them your real name.

No. 13 - Don't give them your address or home number.

No. 14 - Don't promise them anything.

No. 15 - Don't give them cash.

No. 16 - Don't reveal your pay.

No. 17 - When asked for ladies drink (LD) or flowers, tell them "Not today, going back soon, another day".

No. 18 - Fact: Singers make from $5K to 8K every month. Models/PRs earn from $8K to $10K every month. Those good ones get $15k and above. Plus branded luxury free give. They might be earning more money than you.

No. 19 - Do not believe their sad stories.

No. 20 - Their names is not their real names.

No. 21 - Do not send money to her back in Thailand.

No. 22 - If you both are in love, do be prepared to maintain a long distance relationship.

No. 23 - If you both are together, do be prepared that she will continue her work as a PR/Singer/Model.

No. 24 - Thai Culture is very different from Malaysian Culture. Be prepared to put in the 110% effort to work out the umpteen hurdles from family and otherwise.

No. 25 - Be prepared to support her and give her money to send home if you insist she not work as PR/Singer/Model. You will be supporting her parents, siblings, herself and yourself.

We are worried for this friend of ours but there is nothing we can do about it because he's a big boy. He has been with the same girl since he was 20; prolly many things other guys his age had experience but he didnt get the chance to because he was living a very "married" life. That's the excuse I've given him to make things easier on my side, however they had a pact: "He could do whatever he wants outside as long as he knows where is Home". I doubt anyone in the right mind would not be happy with that pact.

Bitch please, we cant please everyone.

I thank lucky stars and count blessings everyday that Laode doesnt like Siam Tiu as well. Its not like no one asks him, or he doesnt like it because I dont like it. Its just great news for me as I will never have to catch him in the act and I know that wherever he goes, its always some place decent. So ladies, if your men likes to hang around places like this because "beer are cheap", "my friend works there", etc, please just beware and monitor closely. Don't fall victim to some of these cunning bitches.

* Siam Tiu means Thai disco

Believe VS Knowledge

People close to me would have realised the change in me. As I grew older, perhaps its the motherly instincts kicking in, I started to lose myself and became the overthinker I am today. My homies questioned me, asking where is the Celine they used to know. That strong carefree woman they knew since 17 and a half. As I search deep within myself, not only I couldnt find the answer, I start to over worry.

Today, I had the honour to sit and listen to the stud muffin who finally gave me constructive comments, telling me about Hope and Expectations.

It really does not take too long to understand how I work; what you see is what you get. I never hide who I truly am. But, to be able to understand me in such short period of time, I take my hat off Oldman. Old and wise, doesnt even fully describe him. I am thankful for his presence in my life.

As negative as I may be now, he pulls me back on the right track. I cant turn to my positive self overnight, however I am trying. I am sharing this because I am going through a difficult time, finding myself and understanding myself all over again. I mean, at 24 and a half, I finally am starting to develop armpit hairs and pimples! Wadddup, Puberty.

I've stopped writing, I know. Then, I lost myself.

Perhaps expressing myself in words is the best way to wake myself up. I got to get up, prove a point, prove people wrong, and prove myself that I am not who I am now. I am better than that. Now that I am almost done with my wake up call to myself, its time to hit the sack and await the wake up call from Oldman because I got work at 9am. I hate working in the mornings...

Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

In another Teacher's hindsight

As a teacher, i feel sympathetic towards classroom teachers.



He (the teacher) forwent his pride and dignity to calm the tits (no pun intended) of his student who I reckon has family issues.

However, I wouldnt have apologised to the student for "shouting" at him. He is not deaf but obviously could have some kind of hearing problem. Either he couldnt hear the previous instruction given to him or he refuse to listen to that said instruction.. See, hearing loss maybe.

"Someone who has hearing loss might be able to hear some sounds or nothing at all."

-http://kidshealth.org/kid/health_problems/sight/hearing_impairment.html

I guess the teacher was taken aback by the sudden outburst of the student. His voice was shaking as thou processing and finding the right words to say to the student at the same time.

As much as I hate to say this, but its because of one or two f these rotten apples in a basket that makes Normal Technical stream seem..terrible. I mean you already in that stream where people, for lack of better word, look down on you then why don't you feel the need to like prove them wrong?

With viral videos like this, even if the student had received public caning and had apologised to the teacher, it doesn't bring back that said teacher's dignity and pride nor the school's reputation. Kids, the term shouldn't be the reason for their behaviour.

We cannot condone their actions based on "iya, they are still young". If so, when does that 'young' dateline end?

'tis the season to be around imbeciles

You read it right - Its that time of the year again where there are too many, for the lack of a better word, stupid people around me - almost like I am a disc shaped magnet for mindless dimwits. As if I have an abundance of patience to spend on these people, Santa saw the need to team me up with them to make sure I am on his "NICE" list. Story of my life.

While I do not expect many to see things my way, please dont expect me to also see it your way. Instead of shooting your mouth off as and when you please, use that thing you call a brain to consider your actions before acting on it. I don't think you honestly need anyone to advice you on how to function however, you are not the only who is tired/had a long day. Don't misuse that phrase.

Come the fuck on, woman. You are bloody 25, not 5.

Afterall, I am only human. There is only this much I can remember, this much I can say, this much I can do. You can have a million and one things to do, so can I. Everyone needs a little help and a little push to get things going on. My way of getting motivated works the fuck on me and I dont need you to pass judgements under your breath. You have a bloody issue with me, you bloody tell me. And when you finally found the balls to do so, spare yourself the humiliation and type it out in word.doc and make sure you "option+command+L" that shit first before opening your damn mouth.

Nah, I give you a festive ball to get your ball rolling

I knew for a fact that its highly unlikely for us to be able to work together but I tried. I've never held back so much in my life because of the level of respect I give to O. Today, if I hold on to anything more, future Celine will be cursing at me. I felt the need to unleash, I felt the need to tell you the things I tell you - while being "tactful", hoping that there is hope in you for me to gain your understanding.

To sum it up, it was a waste of time and effort. Judgements had already been passed on. There was no point in salvaging what was left. We cannot co exist therefore the ruining the chances of Santa climbing into my chimmey, eating the cookies I leave out for him and in return, he leaves me a present under the tree . Curse you, past Celine. You should have just suck it up, knowing that imbeciles can't talk reason.

"its a sad truth that not everyone can accept you being you". - Christina Lim, Nov 2013

Yes, my bad. These were silly mistakes I could have easily avoided should I have just listened to myself from the very start. Where has the old Celine gone to? Although I usually pass really quick judgements, but they were never wrong. It all begin when I was convinced that there is optimism in everyone for me to seek understanding from. Woe is me.

Bottomlne, not everyone works the same way and can overcome the differences in order to get things done at the end of the day. I think the most important part is to be mature about it and own up to mistakes. My mistakes, I reckon, were to have believed that there is good in people despite my first impression and its okay to give second chances to certain group of individuals. I shouldnt have trust myself to dive head in into a situation I already anticipate to be undesirable. I shouldnt have condone to people.

"Thee of utmost boredom in relentless finding of nothing to doeth should find something to doeth. Lest the dark of the nigh snatches your wake hours" - Christina Lim, Nov 2013. I secretly am amused at her especially when its 3 in the morning. The stuff she conjures up is.. mindblowing.

Either way, with a tummy full of displease, I am determine to make it right and prove some people wrong about their perception of me. I may not be the easiest person to work with but, i will make damn sure that its your sorry ass that they will be bitching about. Celine does not take things lying down without a fight. Celine goes to war.

Where's your brain at?

People tend to take things for granted. Consciously or subconsciously... as long as you take things for granted, you are shit. At a certain age, I will believe that you have gone through a fair share of like "being taken for granted" therefore there is no reason/excuse for you to not notice that you have/had taken something for granted. Not everything free that comes to you is what you deserve to be put in front of you.

Its like they live by this motto. 

Not sure if you are too poor or just too self centred. But sorry to burst your bubble, not everything revolves around your tiny weeny existence. Okay, I am not sorry. NOT. AT. ALL. Because from that moment, you are deem as a peck of dust - annoying and disgusting - in my life foreverrrr.

I mean seriously where do you really think the balls your team used for warm ups really come from? The organisers so nice to go and bring extra balls for you ah? The organisers not only book the venue, plan the event, arrange for prizes to be given out but also so fucking nice to like "HEY LETS BRING EXTRA BALLS FOR THE PLAYERS TO WARM UP!".

If I dont say this, I really cannot sleep tonight even with this (rant) entry up... YOU STUPID OR WHAT? YOU GOT BRAIN ONE OR NOT. IS YOUR BRAIN WORKING? THERE IS NO CURE FOR STUPIDITY YOU KNOW.

I mean if you dont know anything and you never been part of it, I understand. I will understand that you are ignorant, not deliberately trying to be a dumbass. But, thats not the case. Birds of the same feather flock together because your whole fucking team have no brain. Did a zombie apocalypse happened and I was unaware of it?

Because it seems like the zombies ate your brains!

Anyway, since we have already establish that you and your circle of teammates are brainless, it really makes me feel better and sincerely sorry. I mean, I think its really hard on y'all to be functioning without the most important organ. Life must be really tough on you therefore you find the need to take things for granted because you think you deserve it. I give it to you.

roll eyes to moon and back

However, next time, instead of blowing my top at my keyboard who is very innocent, I shall blow my top then and there. Its about time for y'all to find your brains and work it.

Yup, because I isnt got time for that.

You are quite lucky that oldman stepped in and stopped me from saying anything nasty to you because if you need someone to point out to how stupid your comments was given the fact that you were at the games earlier this year, I def got time for that. Secretly, I am a sadist. I enjoy telling people that they are less than below average.

Ahh, I feel so much better now thou I prolly cringe at the language used in this entry if I were to ever reread it. I prolly wont but I couldnt be bothered to phrase everything nicely with prim and proper english. Let's face it, you can understand meh?

Actually, this entry is not directed to a general You. Its really for a certain group of Yous who unfortunately exist in my life. Not in a very significant way thou but I have to have a conversation with them somehow, at least once a month. Sucks to be me.

Cory Monteith ..and death

While I am sure I will end up not making any sense in this blog entry, I have to have my two cents worth voiced out. Sure, its been months and come on, just let him rest in peace. However, really? Is there really a need to feel sorry for Lea or for Cory? Because he's young and she's innocent yet she lost her partner. Okay, granted you may feel sorry for Lea for losing someone so dear to her suddenly. In that case, you should feel sorry for everyone out there who lost their loved ones as well. Not just for Lea, Cory's family and the cast of Glee.

In my honest opinion, Cory brought it upon himself.

That dude was decent enough to admit his addiction and checked himself into a rehab with the support of so many people who loved him dearly. Kudos and applause for him from the bottom of my heart. But then why do you ended up overdosed in a hotel room, knowing that you have a problem? I mean, you know you have a problem and you have completed your treatment, why oh why did you not have self control?

There is no point questioning the dead, of course. He wont answer me and I wont get my questions answered. But, am I the only one who saw his death as "you, Cory, brought it upon yourself." There is really no one else to blame but him. I didnt mourn his death and I didnt cry (till the last part) of the Glee episode "The Quarterback" that paid tribute to him via the death of his Glee character, Finn. I cried seeing how sad Lea was when she said she is afraid one day she will forget how he looked and sounded like. And, I dont like Lea.

I talk to him a lot. I can still see his face and I can hear his voice so clearly. Do you think that I'll ever forget? Because I'm afraid that one day I will. Rachel - See more at: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/glee/episodes/the-quarterback/#sthash.tJtVpoHv.dpuf

Therefore coming from me, it means something.

Let's look at Michael Jackson. His death was also uncalled for but the Lord called him back. His cause of death was intoxication. But did he bring it upon himself? No. He didnt ask for it; he didnt fly high like paper and get high like planes. Bitch please, he might not have even enjoyed himself before he breathe his last breath. But comparing Michael to Cory is just demeaning. Your argument is invalid.

Yes yes, there is a special place in hell for people like me. I've succumb to that. Now now, lets all move on and get over Cory's untimely death. Needed an excuse to post a #selfie.

baby, its not the same

It has been a while. My apologies.

I reckon the times we shared are not judged based on the quantity of it but of the quality of it. There have been quite a few obstacles this month. Me, being me, definitely have my way or two of curbing/overcoming these obstacles. Others, not so much. I am alright if you need my two cents worth or need a listening ear. However, it have to come to a point where you either figure things out yourself, or heed my advice. I cannot keep listening to your complains because "life is short, move on",

Looking at photos of the happier times makes me wonder why don't everyone sit their asses down, and find the root of all evil? Eliminate the bad and you have the good, or simply be the friend who everyone wants to have and trash it out. I never like walking away from a problem but it really takes two hands to clap. If you think you can salvage it, why dont you do it? There has to be a limit nonetheless. That's up to one to decide where that said limit lies. Walk away with no regrets if you must.

Guilt trippin' is just stooping down to a level of I despise you.

The lack of motivation to pen down my thoughts has caused me to be really bad at writing. It seems that the vocab I once had is gone, and all that I've left is basic grammar and primary school list of words. I need to start reading and find my mojo back. I AM A MASS COMM GRAD FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Sometimes, I am just soooo disappointed at myself. I also need to find some me alone time - to find myself again.

I am a very emotional person, truth be told. I cry at every little touching story I hear and every scene in a romantic movie. As long as a character is in tears, you prolly catch me in tears too. That's beside the point. The point is I am greatly affected by everyone's actions. I chose not to show it. But secretly, whenever I see the happier past, I am like "why did yall change?" "why can't yall remain good together?".

People change, things change. Some go with the flow, others get led by the nose. Do you see the irony? Idk how to end this entry. I am just so sick and tired of pretentious beings. Okay, bye.

1 world music festival cancelled 2 days before event. THE FUCK IS WRONG?

So annoyed. So so so annoyed. Who the fuck does contests, builds up the hype and have people forgoing Hardwell and F1 gigs just so that they can fucking cancel the music festival 2 days before the event? Sickos. People who are fucked in their brains.

I know its not easy on the organisers as well. All the refunds they got to do, the PR they got to do to keep everyone calm, and the fact that they will get boycotted for future events they (an Australian company) plan to organise in +65. I reckon its not something they expect to happen. However, the masses are not as understanding, especially those who are flying down to catch 60 acts in 2 days.

Okay, I didnt count if there are 60 acts but a source was telling me that out of 60 acts, only 31 were confirmed. I am guessing out of the 31 confirmed, 28 of them are local acts.

Here, from Iggy Azalea's twitter, I gathered that she was one of the few acts who were pending and only agreed to perform after 17th Sept. Heng, she havent flew to Singapore and why couldnt the organisers explain to her?! Something smells fishy.

Then, I got bored and decided to google twitter accounts of whom I wanted to check out. The last time I saw Cobra Starship was at the first Singfest and I am very ready to watch them live again. But, they didnt mention anything about coming to Singapore on twitter. I wonder if Moby is here already. Hmm...

And, there were some licensing issues and tickets sales quota not met. Around 4k tickets were unsold, I heard. Seriously, you place your events to clash with F1 and Hardwell, and expect it to be sold out event? WHO CAN GIVE UP WATCHING RIHANNA AND JUSTIN BIEBER FOR SNOOP DOG/LION OR SEZAILI SEZARI? Right, now I am just making fun. Ha ha, I am so funny. Justin Bieber.

In all honesty thou, I am not pissed at all. I got the tickets for free and am packed to the brim for this weekend. I was so worried about my schedule; first YEC meeting, dodgeball, International Deaf Day, food tasting plus I still got classes to teach. I can't wait to breathe after Sign Language exam happening in a few hours. You do know that this is me trying to update you with my life so that I dont sound like I have nothing to do yet I dont update this space. Well, I know I fail.

There are some updates of course but meanwhile, here is a photo of how I look like now:

Very auntie-like, I know. I got that bruise from dodgeball the other day. It expanded to the size of my fist now. Clumsy toad is me.

Last one I promise

I tend to over share especially on this platform but it's not life without a little rant, a little drama. But this is the last one I promise.

Just so you know I don't regret what I've done. Not a single bit of remorse in me. Us going in our separate ways is inevitable. What you have done is what I could have forgive but never forget. However you know that that's not the main reason why this separation.

There were many things I cant stand but I did it anyway. There were many things I didn't need to take it in but I did it anyway. There were many things you could have done and react differently but you chose not to anyway. There were many things many many things. By the end of the day, we were just hanging by the thread.

Came across some 'inspirational' tumblr post and I decided to scroll down to read more. Bad decision, I say. A few of them made me want to hurl so bad. It actually reminds me of the things that I've stupidly done to keep us together. The relationship was at its dead end however I wasnt ready to give up.

Perhaps we grew old together too fast. We didn't slow it down and eventually we can't stand each others decisions. Rather, I can't stand yours. Your inability to put me first place when I needed you is unforgiveable. Because "to be there for me" was your first promise to me.

I am bitter at the fact that I was blind. I let you do things to me that I won't allow it on any of my girlfriends. There were so many times I could have walked away but you always held me back. You hug me and said you are sorry and tell me you will change it will never happen again. So when the day came that you didnt hug me to tell me it will all get better, I knew you were sick of all these shit. So was I to your empty promises and the lack of effort.

While I am glad we are no longer together, I am even happier that we could maintain a friendship instead. Afterall, you are my best friend I never knew I had. Your secrets are safe with me.

Just go je

Before, I was contented. Easily contented. Then I asked for the world. I ask for it to see it my way. After years, I came to a realisation that the world is round, I should be the one looking it at. There was so much to see and do but I was stuck with one view.

The decision to take a leap year from school that ended up to be 3 years was because I was blind. Blinded by what could have or should have been. I wasted time and youth.

If I wasn't what I was, I would have already been a degree holder and getting what I want within hands reach. However I couldn't get to you. I couldn't get inside your mind.

Sorry that this has all been a wasted trip to the moon and back. I apologise if I kept you on the hook or left you hanging. Mark my words, I will always be there for you rain or shine because that's what I think you would do for me too.

Should have, would have, could have.

On an annoying note, I ended work at 6pm today only to reach home close to 8pm. Now at 9.30, after a shower and some rest, Imma gonna have my dinner now. Things are different but I am getting used to it. We will go thru this. You and I both on our separate ways.

Mid life crisis

A sign is all I need. I need a sign from the universe.

Turning 24 was no fun.

I've been stuck in a battle where unless someone sweeps me off my feet, there is no way I can get out of the battle field. That prince charming has to look like the one Cinderella met at the ball. And fairy tales do no exist.

All these while, it's a miracle I was hoping for, wishing for. That miracle happened. He's no prince charming and unlike the storybook, we are not going to live happily ever after.

Someone has finally swept me off my feet. It's not easy to do so but he did. He makes me gush like a 14 year old with his words; that missing ingredient in the broth koh and I were cooking.

That broth is now ruin. There is no way I alone can salvage it and there is no way I would want to salvage it alone. When it's broken and you have fixed it a million times, throw it away. The more you keep it, the harder it is to let go.

I wrote this "when you realise things arent working, throw away. the longer you keep it, the more attached you will be. this also applies to relationships." on facebook on the 29th of January. It took me 8 months to to practice what I preach and because I was that attached.

Now that I know I do have market value if I just take the stupid leap of faith, there is no need for me to harp over spilt milk or the what ifs. With that, I no longer need anyone to sweep or mop me. I am on my own and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Finding myself

I didnt mean to neglect this space. I love this space and I want to keep it forever. Its my only online sanctuary without any restriction of characters and image uploads. I had to let go of it for awhile. I had some concerns that because my life is an almost open book, I am not myself anymore. Its like I must have this persona -someone who is fearless and strong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

My heart had been broken a million times this summer. Every holiday I went, I came back with shocking news in my face. Being me, I blew things out of proportion. However, every friend (just only 2 of them) whom I spoke to says otherwise. "Its natural to react this way", they say. "I would too (react the way you did)." Perhaps I didnt speak to the right people.

Those who knew (since day 1) been telling me to leave. There is no point staying in a place where I am happy sometimes, abuse (verbally or otherwise) every other day and neglected every day of the week. This wasnt the path I want for my love life. But I just wouldnt give up. I have stop expecting. Well, stop expecting things will go great OR EVEN GOOD. For someone who watches too much reality TV, I toned down a truckloads in expectations. Now, all I want is to be happy. Pure simple everyday happiness. A simple hug, an innocent smile or just a text message containing that 3 words.

The tolerance level I have for him is just too damn high. I keep trying and trying to make us work. To make things work. I give in, I submit. I have never felt so worthless in my life. Ive been fighting a losing battle. Ive been the last placing for a very long time. Every one and every thing comes before me and I get it. I get that there are things he wants to do other than spending another 5 minutes with me. Like what for, really. I get that he's at that stage where he needs to start building his career. For our future (if there is one or if I am even in that planning). I get that I shouldnt stand in the way of him and his friend. Because bros before hoes.

But I think there should be a limit to how much I can hold back. Ive yet to find that invisible line.

Write my life

Recently I came to a conclusion that I have selective memory. I mainly remember the good that had happened and how upset I was at people. Ask me about my childhood, I surely can tell you the funny. Once, when I was barely 3, I was on a carousel with my mother, I hit a boy on his hand because he was trying to steer the wheel. It was a teenage boy. I even gave him a death stare.

I've never been hit by a child/kid while on a ride before. Not even sure why I did that. I was just selfish. I wanted the wheel all to myself. I am not sure if he was on a date with a girl then but if he was, my bad.

That aside, that will be the only story I can remember about my childhood. I have photos of me dressing my 2 year old brother in a skirt but I never remember how or why it happen. Its not like I didnt know he wasnt a girl... or because he prefers playing my barbie dolls.

Moving along, I went to a childcare.Only memory I have is my teacher waking me up from a wonderful nap because my parents are here... not to pick me up but to celebrate my birthday. Thank you, parents for making me serve my friends on my birthday. That explains why the photos turn out bad and ugly. I had such a sour face on.

And oh, also my teacher brought me out to buy bao one day because I couldnt get to sleep.

As years pass, I've no memory of anything else, I shifted from Serangoon to Jurong. My downstairs neighbour was my best friend and before I left, I told her that we will be best friends forever. Her mum was all like but you are moving.. and yes, her mum was right. For the life of me, I cant remember her face.. or her name. I moved in June.. I didnt have a class photo for graduating Kindergarten. I remember being sad about it. Which is also why I didnt smile when taking my solo graduation photo. Even my power ranger watch was broken. Wait, maybe it was because all the other kids had their photo taken already and were off at the playground playing while I was stuck in a oversize grown. FUCK.

Jurong.... first memory? Being lost. I couldnt find my way around. I couldnt find my helper who was supposed to pick me up at the usual spot but my grandmother came instead and she reprimanded me for not waiting outside the classroom and she had to find me. I even hated the playground.

I didnt make any genuine friends till about primary school. I finally had friends living in the same block. I even told a guy I want to have big breast when I grow up. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It was short lived as we move on to secondary school. Everyone went to a better school. I didnt have an expectation of myself. My parents didnt have any expectations other than "do your best". We are not as Asian as we like to think we are.

My primary school friends always remind me of who bullied me in school and what ive done to revenge or how ive cried. But, I have no recollection of it. They tell me what I said to caused the reaction of others but still, no memory of it. I only remember how everyone laughed at an essay Doug did and I didnt know whats so funny till the teacher explained the joke.

I was such a loser.

Secondary school came and gone. I still got bullied but I forgot how and why. I remember meeting my best friend on a bus when I was 14. I remember meeting Koh when I was 20. And in future, I hope I remember how I got hitched, pregnant and remember my children for the rest of my life. Life hasnt straighten out for me. But, I know I will get there.

What rubbish are you talking about?

I came across this article, floating around on Facebook and find it really ridiculous that it was reposted by 'The Real Singapore' and some of my Facebook friends were like "food for thought"/"so true". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Just because they can achieve it doesnt mean we also can. There are different demographics!!! How is it possible for it to be something for us to look up to?

This article is not even written by a Singaporean who got married young and relating the struggles behind it. It does not fucking hell relate to us, Singaporeans nor explain why we shouldn't till we are (financially) ready to get married.

"even replace the car when it died a few months into our marriage"

Wait a minute. Car? KNN, I can't even afford the car plate here in Singapore. Even the bus and MRT fare is increasing every year. I think thats why World of Sports is having sale.. for us to buy a good pair of Reeboks and walk every fucking where.

Available in Giant, Toys R Us and Fairprice.

"We lived in a small basement apartment, furnished with secondhand Ikea."

I do not know of any basement I can live in till I have the dough to buy a BTO/DBSS/HDB resale let alone a "small basement apartment". The only basement I fucking know is the carpark at any shopping malls in Singapore and fuck no, I am not going to find a cosy corner, place some Ikea furniture and call it my home. Do you know that the doors to the malls are closed at a certain timing? Where do I fucking pee and poo thou should the time for it comes knocking?

Look, ma. My very own swimming pool.

"We inventoried the family budget: no more fancy coffee, dining out, Zipcars, or shopping—just student loans, rent, and food."

Even if I were to rent a decent room, it will cost me SG$500 ish without PUB - no aircon, no TV, no Internet, no cooking-. A small non furnished apartment is about SG$2,700. Check PropertyGuru if you dont believe me.

Let's see. A normal office job will prolly bring home about SG$1,500 with a decent qualification. Two of you makes it SG$3,000. May I know if I am supposed to fucking eat the grass outside my apartment for the rest of the month just because I need to pay for your rent, bills, transport, etc? If I rent a room, think of all the privacy I am going to lose because of the presence of my landlord. Is it worth all the trouble just because I want to get married and grow old fast?

On the other hand, you still can pay for loans, rent and food despite the fact that your husband lost his job. You are doing not as bad as you think you are.

With SG$300, a bed in a room is all you get.

"We did not have Internet (checking email required a trip to the local coffee shop) or reliable heat."

Thank god, in Singapore, I dont need heat. We can skip that but my local coffee shop dont even provide me with clean chairs therefore Internet is definitely out of the question. I could go to Starbucks but then my coffee will be SG$5.60 instead of just SG$0.60. Dont fucking complain about making a trip to your local coffee shop when you have Internet there and we dont.

No place to even place my laptop.

The only part of the article I agree is:

"Your spouse becomes your soul mate after you've made those vows to each other in front of God and the people who matter to you. You don’t marry someone because he’s your soul mate; he becomes your soul mate because you married him"

The article is not bad to be featured in other countries. Not in Singapore thou because there are different factors stopping us from marrying young. Not because we are career minded. If the government really have a problem with the lack of babies due to marrying late, they would have helped us and make it affordable/attainable.

For example, our houses and cars will be cheaper and not just create some measures to stop the rich from buying. Their measures should help the poor and the middle class to purchase such goods AND stop the rich from buying, making the demand more, supply less therefore more expensive.

Its one in the morning now, I cant possibly name all. But you get my 411.