Of Habits and Addictions

Us in '13

**** I was with EK for many years and throughout these many years, it had been a bumpy roller coaster ride without any seat belts on. It was scary at times, however thrilling and fun. EK gradually became my comfort zone. When we speak about breakup, we spoke about finding what we had in another person. Conclusion has always been "Unlikely/Not possible".

EK is one who knows love. He is someone I could bare my soul to because he listens and knows what to say. He is someone I could bare my naked body to because he makes me feel beautiful. He is someone I could call whenever because he is there for me. He is a very special someone to me. No one would ever understand the chemistry we shared.

Soon, I got hooked.

Having EK in my life gave me a sense of security in life; when all else fails, EK would still be standing there smiling at me, lifting the world on his shoulders... just for me. He constantly gives in to my whines/rants/needs/wants. To be honest, despite his flaws, he tries his very best to give me the very best. That made me love him, flaws and all.

I always knew EK would eventually get sick of me. The 5 years was full of EK kept giving and I kept receiving. I didn't know how to express my love for EK via actions. I didnt know how to show that I care via actions. Emotionally, I was a broken doll. Our break up was inevitable. I've always saw it coming, but I thought if I held on longer, EK will get over the phase and we will still be happy together.

EK was someone who puts in a lot of effort. He cooked, he cleaned, he made sure to plant surprise snacks in my bag when I go off to work. He took care of me when I am sick, regardless how serious the illness was. He made sure I receive my favourite flowers every V'day. He gave in to my every wimp. He planted kisses on me every morning if I am still in bed. He wrote notes and placed them in my wallet (some of them are still in my wallet) randomly. He was overall sweet and I was demanding.

Our last one and a half year together, we tried different ways to get along. I tried to loosen up and allowed EK to fly as far away as he wants to, thinking that he will fly back home because he knows I am waiting for him. EK did flew home, but it wasn't till 6 in the morning. By 3 am, I was already picking a fight with him for him to come home qiuck. I guess, I couldn't do the whole open relationship thing.. 'cause I became needy.

I moved back to my Parental's, with EK's approval. However, once I was settled down/got used to sleeping alone, EK started to call me every night. He would call to ask what time to pick me up to go somewhere then stay over his place or he could just check on me, which I appreciated. Some nights if we hang, I would insist on going back to my parents', some nights I would give in. Soon, we were both very tired, mentally and physically.

One day, he told me he found someone he said he love and who loved him back the way I couldn't whilst on his nights out with his BFF. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out this someone who I have an unspoken connection with whilst being miserable knowing EK and I were on the rocks. EK and I wouldn't grow old together anymore. We had reached our limits and it was really time to let go.

Letting go was the hardest part. Knowing that he had moved on and brought the girl home the very next day was devastating. I cried every 10 minutes, I wouldn't eat nor get out of bed, I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I don't know when will the pain end. I've lost a boyfriend, lover, partner, best friend overnight. Its been quite a while now since the day I packed everything and left. Do I regret leaving him? No. I reckon the people you meet at the wrong time, is the wrong person. I will admit I am still in love with the EK I knew in 09, the EK I planned to grow old with, the EK I woke up to everyday. I am still grieving, and I will grieve all I want.

Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

Bird's-eye View

Her eyes fixated on him. That man across the multipurpose hall, full of charm. He greeted them. Its never going happen, she thought to herself as she holds and cuddles the only sweetheart she had been with for many years. Its never going to happen, she assured herself once again. Subconsciously, she was stealing glances. Subconsciously, she was, stealing glances. Subconsciously.

The game started. She tried her best to remove his presence from the court. He smelt nice. No. No. He doesn't exist. No. No. He smelt nice. No. No. Get out of my head, she repeated in a rhythmic phrase. That's not the way to hold the ball, he offered her suggestion about the best course of action to her. Shut up, she bellowed in a loud but sharp way, jokingly. The whole hall could almost hear her despite the commotion surrounding the space. Was she rude? She doesn't care. All she wanted was for her heart to stop beating at an accelerated speed. For a moment there, the atmosphere was at a standstill. She reckoned she was going to have her breath cut off quickly and unexpectedly. She thought she was going to die.

Her heart should stop being such a Know-It-All.

It wasn't as though he wanted her as badly as she wanted him at first sight - oh, that charm, that winning beaming smile, that strand of hair that wouldn't go down. She watched as he got closer. Not to her. Her heart sunk as she held on tighter to her sweetheart, as though giving her support and strength. That man across the multipurpose hall, full of charm, planting a kiss on a long haired, shapely but ghastly looking.. son of a bitch! She was scarred by that image. That image that clouded her mind.



Her eyes still fixated on him, as she walked out of the hall with a swag. She couldn't resist his charms yet she couldn't get a second serving even if she tried. She didn't come back for awhile. She couldn't. She wouldn't. She shouldn't. I watched as she hid away her fondness for him, as she suppressed her want to shower him with affection, as she omitted her adoration of him, as she walked away with her bags, holding the hands of her only sweetheart she will regret being with for many years.

Mid life crisis

A sign is all I need. I need a sign from the universe.

Turning 24 was no fun.

I've been stuck in a battle where unless someone sweeps me off my feet, there is no way I can get out of the battle field. That prince charming has to look like the one Cinderella met at the ball. And fairy tales do no exist.

All these while, it's a miracle I was hoping for, wishing for. That miracle happened. He's no prince charming and unlike the storybook, we are not going to live happily ever after.

Someone has finally swept me off my feet. It's not easy to do so but he did. He makes me gush like a 14 year old with his words; that missing ingredient in the broth koh and I were cooking.

That broth is now ruin. There is no way I alone can salvage it and there is no way I would want to salvage it alone. When it's broken and you have fixed it a million times, throw it away. The more you keep it, the harder it is to let go.

I wrote this "when you realise things arent working, throw away. the longer you keep it, the more attached you will be. this also applies to relationships." on facebook on the 29th of January. It took me 8 months to to practice what I preach and because I was that attached.

Now that I know I do have market value if I just take the stupid leap of faith, there is no need for me to harp over spilt milk or the what ifs. With that, I no longer need anyone to sweep or mop me. I am on my own and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Valentine's in Japanese BBQ restaurant

Koh stepped it up again this year.

Last year, I was given a rock and a bf who lied to me then surprise me. This year, I had my previous rock traded in for a bigger one and a bf who did his homework so his gf does not need to stand in line to get into a restaurant. Yea, I kinda laughed at girls waiting in the line "HAHAHAH WHY YOUR BF NO MAKE RESERVATIONS?"

Man deciding what to eat.

BBQ raw food.

Man patiently waiting for it to be hot enough to put food.

YUMMY in my TUMMY

Why is there mushroom on my plate?

Nom Nom Nom

Nom Nom Nom

Happy girl eating her Jap. food without having to Q!

Healthy food in my belly

Happy couple

Raw fish also I love.

I am garlie queen.

Overall, I like the restaurant Koh booked for us for V'day. The service was abit slow because its V'day but the staff didnt have a sour face on. It took a while for my second bowl of garlic to come but I guess its because the kitchen lack of people to chop it up for me. The food was okay but as long as I dont have to cook it myself, I guess I am good! So easily contented this girl here.

Finding myself

I didnt mean to neglect this space. I love this space and I want to keep it forever. Its my only online sanctuary without any restriction of characters and image uploads. I had to let go of it for awhile. I had some concerns that because my life is an almost open book, I am not myself anymore. Its like I must have this persona -someone who is fearless and strong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

My heart had been broken a million times this summer. Every holiday I went, I came back with shocking news in my face. Being me, I blew things out of proportion. However, every friend (just only 2 of them) whom I spoke to says otherwise. "Its natural to react this way", they say. "I would too (react the way you did)." Perhaps I didnt speak to the right people.

Those who knew (since day 1) been telling me to leave. There is no point staying in a place where I am happy sometimes, abuse (verbally or otherwise) every other day and neglected every day of the week. This wasnt the path I want for my love life. But I just wouldnt give up. I have stop expecting. Well, stop expecting things will go great OR EVEN GOOD. For someone who watches too much reality TV, I toned down a truckloads in expectations. Now, all I want is to be happy. Pure simple everyday happiness. A simple hug, an innocent smile or just a text message containing that 3 words.

The tolerance level I have for him is just too damn high. I keep trying and trying to make us work. To make things work. I give in, I submit. I have never felt so worthless in my life. Ive been fighting a losing battle. Ive been the last placing for a very long time. Every one and every thing comes before me and I get it. I get that there are things he wants to do other than spending another 5 minutes with me. Like what for, really. I get that he's at that stage where he needs to start building his career. For our future (if there is one or if I am even in that planning). I get that I shouldnt stand in the way of him and his friend. Because bros before hoes.

But I think there should be a limit to how much I can hold back. Ive yet to find that invisible line.

Agnes B because I can.



I've always been a fan of surprises. And a fan of gifts. Anything free and works is good for me. I am not expensive to maintain although I eat alot but I can never spend more than 100$ on an item for myself. My most expensive item found on myself must have been either a hand me down or it belongs to Koh.

Then one day, I decided I need a new wallet. I sourced and I found one pretty one (okay, I didnt found it. Intan told me to google and I did).

Yes, I wanted this. So pretty. The bow. The colour. I am in love with you, Prada Saffiano Wallet with Bow. Its retailing in SG for about 800$? That is 7 whole months worth of wanton noodles. I gave my "flying" friends the photo and told them to get this for me in Paris if its less than 500$SG. Even 500$SG is expensive. Idk what is wrong with me but its realllllly pretty!

But all is not lost! I walked around Isetan Wisma and Taka and fell in love with another wallet. It will cost me nearly 500$. There was no way I was going to get it without consideration. And I have half the heart to get the DKNY wallet that cost 190$.

That DKNY envelope wallet. It has just the right number of card pockets I need and a slot to put photo just the way I like. Its not real leather therefore the price therefore Koh said its not worth it. Plus Intan got the green one a few days before.

Pardon the morning bed head. Had a bag delivered to me.

Oh dear lord. Is it what I think it is? Ive never receive anything like this before.

YESSSSAAAAAA.  Now it is in the colour I wanted....

Royal Purple. The other colour is red. I couldnt mind any of the two colours actually. Red is my favourite colour while purple is really unique. 

I am a very proud owner of a very expensive Agnes B wallet. I dont have to eat grass for the next few months but I do feel the pinch. And just so you know, I made the whole entry up about being surprised. 

Fun at Theme Park RW Genting

Do you like the adrenaline of roller coasters or just simply enjoy classic roller coasters rides? GOOD NEWS! Cyclone, Malaysia's first roller coaster, has finally reopened!

No more "coming back soon" because its here!

Some information you might need to know before you  rush to make your booking just for the ride:

Couldnt find a better photo. But remember, it has REOPENED!

Type: Thrill ride Location:  Genting Land, Outdoor Theme Park Height Requirement: Minimum of 122cm Express Lane:  Available Capacity: 4 persons/coach

 I can imagine myself in the cold chilly weather getting some blood into my head with Cyclone. Best if Koh is with me. Perfect Romantic Date in my honest opinion. I am not a fan of roller coasters. Ive been to USS 4 times and not once took the Battlestar rides. But when I was in Genting with Koh in January 2011 (where he just POP), I had the balls to ride the roller coasters with him because he is my pillar of strength and support (and I took 6 hours to ride the coach so I better do something I will not regret). 

And this, was the roller coaster that we took. Cyclone. Before we took the ride, Koh was like "this ride is so old, anyone could potentially died". That didnt stop us nor the 40 over people who were behind us. But RW Genting knows what they are doing lah . Thats why it went for maintenance and NOW, ITS REOPENED!

Cyclone was closed for maintenance and has now reopened, ready to send more hearts racing.

Koh and I should head back whenever we have problems in our relationship. Remind myself why I sat the ride with him. But we never have any major issues that I will leave him for. That doesnt mean I cannot book a trip and surprise him with it.

Actually, I am going to Genting in January with his Yee Por and Ah Yee because Yee Por got free room. So YAY ME. IN A MONTHS TIME I GET TO RIDE THE CYCLONE. I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!

Experience 1.5 minutes of good old fashioned thrills and spills for that adrenaline rush at RW GENTING NOW!

End of an era

Because 140 characters is no enough for me to convey my feelings to the World Wide Web. Sometimes I am so used to ranting in the Internet that I forgot I have friends. But, who really wants to listen to my drama or lack thereof.

So ... I'm halfway through watching a 30mins video on a review of Samsung Note 2 - basically teaching me how to use a samsung phone. I feel dumb having to google because I am too lazy to read the manual.

And prolly also 'cause I've yet to say my goodbyes to my iPhone 4. I feel as thou I am cheating on it. But hey, iPhone 4, it's not you, it's me okay! I am not abandoning you. Your next user will take better care of you, I promise.

It's the end of an era for me IMO.

I will never forget how convenient Apple has been for me. How my phone, koh's phone and the iPad sync together - eg. when Koh dl-ing a new app, my phone and the iPad will also have the app dl-ing at the same time !

I'm still using my iPhone and enjoying the auto-correct function (I heard Samsung dont have) while the Samsung Note 2 is still in its box. Untouched since I got home. It's lifeless and batteryless.

Come 8pm, I'd be configuring the Samsung and putting my iphone to sleep for awhile.

Thank you Koh for my early Christmas present. But there are 12 days to it, I wonder how are you going to top it up the next 11 days. Either way, I'm pretty much fucked 'cause idk what you want for Christmas !

If you like to read a review of the Samsung Note 2 coming from an iPhone user, you prolly won't have to wait very long. Because iPhone vs Samsung Galaxy is life's toughest decision. I wish I had somsone -or something on the WWW- who could have helped me with that decision.

P/s: having Flash on my phone prolly will not make any difference. I've lived 5 years w the iPhone without Flash and I'm still alive.

They condemn what they do not understand

Warning: if you are in good mood and rather skip life lessons, this post is not for you.

Things have been rather quiet lately. Other than my trip to Bangkok, there seems to be nothing else to blog/tweet about! How do others do it? I have never been the kind to blog about my everyday - where did I go, what did I eat, what did I wear, who did I meet, how did I get there, etc -. Do you seriously want to know what time I go for a toilet break?

lol, I do this to Koh and Jared all the time.

Luckily for myself, I love drama - thou it prolly last for only a few hours- and I was pretty stroked that the SMRT saga still has its likes climbing up! Despite it making me feel sad for our society - other than having sadist love seeing others get trolled and know-it-alls giving legal advice -, I did enjoy the good laugh I had every time I see more stupid people commenting on how oblivious and how much of a dumb blonde I am.

Apply cold water to the burn skin!

If seeing is believing then OMFG! Valeria Lukyanova is really barbie doll incarnation!

She's real!

In a social circle, there's bound to be one or two of these imbeciles. You cant like them all, you cant hate them all. What pisses me of is people without their own mindset. I get it, being in a group prolly make you feel invincible. 'Cause you think anything happen, these are your 'brothers/sisters' who have your back. Ya sure, when it comes to being a prick or borrowing a few cents - thats what they can afford only anyway-. I would really like to see what will become of them if shit got real.

lol, teletubby.

Right, you must be confused. You know how I like to 'fry news'? Especially when I am like in the low tide season where everything is so boring and mundane. I need action, news -no, the china strike thing dont concern me. I take cab all the time now-, more action, drama, bitching, ...firstworldproblems!

All.The.Drama..!!

And how I take a glance at someone new and very quickly decide if I like or loathe that person. I am always right one lor so I dont even bother trying to change that part of me. So, like I've said earlier, in a social circle, you cannot like/hate them all.

I always cannot stand a certain someone but I try my best to engage in conversations -although turned out awkward all the time- whenever and however I can. 'Cause since A is friends with everyone else, A shouldnt be what I think A is, right? Nope, didnt work out. Still cant stand A. Funny thing is I cant point what I cannot stand about. Maybe 'cause A accuse me of hanging with them only because I got no other friends/nothing to do -in other words, saying I making use of them- =/ How hilarious. But more on this later.

Along came more new faces. This is where I dont hang out very often anymore as I dont go back to my parents' every night. So every once in awhile, when I arrange to meet C, they are always around. I meet C for a reason; either to catch up on things or to pass C things. Not because like what A thinks, I got nothing else better to do. Hell, I could've stayed home to watch my TV drama!

School? What school?

Koh has always describe some of them as delinquents and even though I havent hold a decent conversation with them yet, I defended them and told Koh to butt out. Although I already know I confirm cannot click with them but because they are friends of a friend of a friend or however related to someone in the original group, I should gave myself a chance to see whats on the inside.

Yup, always motherfucking trust my own instincts. As of 30th Nov 2012, thats my motto.

These kids are mentally disabled. Sick in their own world and perhaps only 20% educated. So full of themselves and very unrealistic. They speak not only without IPO system but also without facts. As thou living in their fantasy world isnt bad enough, they drag others down with them. My heart wept for them all. I hate to be so general because I am really referring to just one or two of them. Oh well, people judge all the time. Therefore, they should be given the benefit to also judge who I am actually referring to.



Pfft, bitch please. You can be an Eurasian and a Singaporean at the same time, you know? The latter is your citizenship and the former is your race. So you mean to say if you are Malay means you are Malaysian? In this case, please tell me which country are Eurasians from! Seriously, who in the blue world -cause we are somewhat 70% water, 30% earth - can pretend to be Eurasian? I, for sure, cannot. 1)I do not have the skin colour. 2) I do not have any angmoh blood flowing in my system. 3) My I/C states otherwise.

Meet Jean Danker, prolly one of the most recognized local (+65) Eurasian.  

*roll eyes*

And, A, its not like I dont give a damn about my brothers. They are entitled to how to live their lives. They dont come to me and tell me how to live mine. Maybe you should care more about your demented family. You are lucky your sister(s) is/are there for you although shit happens and things arent going so well for you in your family. My condolences. God prolly have something else planned for you if you wake up your ideas -come the fuck on, how old already?-. He is always fair.

This post is getting so tough, being unable to name names as most of them are still minors. Therefore, here comes more random alphabets!

These kids are also two faced sons of guns. S, you really think they have your back when they had dissed you more often to any others? Have you long forgotten those days where we genuinely talk about the future? Where have that sensible part of you one to? Is it necessary to get to their good books and forget about being who you are? You are definitely better than that!

[Side track: Oh, before I forget, I must really clear the air! Yes, I teach for a living for some time now. Instead of questioning my ability to do so, perhaps you want a trial lesson to see for yourself? It will cost you about 40-60$ an hour. Doubt you can afford that but it is how much my one hour cost. Now, what about yours? $7.50? K, I give you $10 enough to buy rokok.]

You could also read my testimonials! My students either Band 1 or Band 2 leh. One even got "Best Progress Award"- Not Good Progress but Best! -. Currently, I have 3 parents on my waiting list (since 3 months ago) but I just want to take a break this holiday season and concentrate on my angmoh students. CA2, PSLE and SA2 took its toll on me -insertsadface.

If you dont like the idea of me being a tutor, lan lan suck thumb lor. Just make sure our paths dont meet when you have offsprings that need extra help!]

R and Z, I've never really hold a proper conversation with y'all two before but I know your hearts are kind. I dont have beef with the two of you, tbh. Therefore if yall have/had a problem with me, my apologies.

Sorry Gen X, Gen Y couldnt do any better; Myself included.

Once a bad seed, forever a bad seed. You cant grow anything out of it. But a bad apple can be a good one if you remove the bruise part. However, if a bad apple has maggots in it, its a gone case. Apparently, some of them have maggots in their heads but hey! They who do not understand, condemn.

p/s: pardon the usage of language. Not entirely in the best of mood to type and phrase pRoPerLy.

Halloween - Adventure time!

I was Princess Bubblegum. Koh is my Finn. We (partially) made our costumes this year, unlike any other years. Koh had this crazy idea of a couple outfit and TA-DA! This is our creation for the Halloween picnic/movie by the highway by EVENTBITES! on Friday, 26th October 2012.

Make up done. outfit on. I am missing things still.

There we go. 

I was kinda afraid that I might get mistaken as Nicki Minaj or Xiaxue. 

Nicki in Super Bass.

Xiaxue.Wendy

You really dont have to be scary on Halloween. Unless you show me evidence, I will not believe. Even Gwen Stefani was a Princess.

Anyway, I only went as a scary person once in my entire life of enjoying Halloween and guess what, I couldnt gain free entry that one time I decided to blend in with the crowd. coughzoukcough

Here's my "sidekick", Finn.

Koh really looks like a sperm.

Halloween couple style.

Sidetrack: the next day, we were at clark quay and thank you for those who recognized our getup and request a photo with us. It made my day. Thank you those who didnt snap a photo with us but shouted "adventure time!" and hide away. Thank you to that one China man who said :" 阿宝 和 泡泡公主!"

Now I know what we are in Mandarin.

We, of course, hung out w scary people. Thanks Silver Ang (our new name for her) for the invite. Of course I cannot be without my #sibling (wtfdidiusehashtagfor) Clarence Chan from Wilddragonchase.

I promise real pictures real soon xoxo Happy Halloween.