Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

2013 in a nutshell

Looking back into 2013, I saw myself in different cities, in different sizes and as a whole. I fell, picked myself up, and found myself again. It was a year of growing up, not growing old. Then, I became this overthinker I never thought I'd be. Now, I am calming my tits down every other day with the help of xt9a.

Friends -
Wished I made more time for friends in person. I used to be able to make time so easily to hang and just have dinner with friends. Now, all I do is "eh lets meet up" but left it at that. I am ashamed to be one of those people. My friends got married and had kids yet I think I the only one who havent held any babies in 2013.

On the other hand, I watched my two favourite Kakaks walk down the aisle... and thats because I made time for it therefore, in 2014, I HAVE to make time. Period.

Melbourne

Beijing

 Tioman

 Bangkok

Hongkong

Travels -
I did more travelling than usual years - Melbourne, KL, Genting, Beijing, Tioman, Bangkok, Hongkong -. Surprised that I went to Bangkok only once but still, brought a whole lot of shopping back. Finally visited a non asian country and got myself a diving license. I am, forever, gonna be looking forward to exploring new places.

Relationships -
Koh and I remained as friends and I am very happy about it. It feels and seems like we have unfinished business but that is for Future Celine to care about. Oldman and I are.. the same - status unknown however I am still enjoying our sundates.

Jack and Lachie

Career -
Gave up my local students and welcomed plenty more International students. While a couple of my International students had to give me up, I got more assignments. I teared as Jackson and Lachlan were approaching the end of their academic year. So proud of the two brothers whom I taught since Lachie was in Grade 3 (He's a 5th Grader this year!) and even more touched at the amount of love they and their whole family give me. Reminded me of why I do this, how I got into doing this and who I am doing this for.

Myself -
Took up a new language - did a pretty good job, contemplating if I should do Advance in 2014. Tried to shed some pounds but gained it all back by the end of the year. I took up dodgeball again and is heavily involved in the YEC -almost like a new Celine was born after the whole fiasco with Koh. I learned new stuff, I found my mojo for old stuff and even put my foot forward in aiding the community.

2013 was fun but I wont want to go through it again. Instead of doing up a resolution and end up being sad at being unable to complete them within 365 days, I decided to do away with it this year and embrace quarter life crisis. Okay, I will add one - save - oh wait and another one - travel. I think its gonna be a challenge. Well, I am turning 25 in 5 months sooo... challenge accepted !

19 days into a brand new year, its never too late -

Six buds none the weiser

On saturday, I saw myself heading to the community club for a 4 hours long voluntary work and then, a 2 hour math lesson with my two girls and finally letting my hair down at Budweiser event that Issac Ritz so generously invited me with plus three. (Okay, Lim was supposed to come with her plus one but she bailed at the eleventh hour so I took it as I can plus three.)

I decided that I got enough footage for #sgYouthsCare (@tjyouths) to last like a decade, I decided to leave the community club 2 hours earlier to nap. When I woke up, it was pouring and I was slightly behind time. Knowing that Oldman will be home, I decided to ring him up and ask for a ride to work while crossing my fingers that he's not napping. I could have just brave the rain and flag for a cab but because there were thunder, I wanted him by my side.

Went home, got into the showers and then arrange to meet Oldman and his brother at 7.30pm for..

Yeah... Budweiser Made for Music 2013 Singing Competition. Due to work, I missed out on alot of singing but beer is always better. Budweiser is so smooth that its almost like I was drinking water. You know that bitter taste nearing the finishing of a bottle? I hate that. I hate it when I get that last bit. However, with Budweiser, I didnt even want to waste any drop. I want my Budweiser now.

Before I start hallucinating having a beer in hand, I was excited to meet Val and PapaLow at the event. Then, because Mint was the host, I got even more excited that I am to meet my favourite homepal Ang! I havent seen her for nearly half a year? We always got so much to talk about, its like I need her with me all the time.

Sorry, PapaLow. I didnt mean to be late and make you wait!

 Valentine Low, daughter of PapaLow!

Mint on stage with the Budweisers.

Beer was free flow and we were told to "grab some Buds" at the bar. I hope no one got their butts grabbed though. Hur hur, unfunny. I remembered at one point I left the boys to chat with Ang and when I got back, the boys were carrying like at least 7 bottles of beer to the table. Note to self; only bring these few men to event with free flow beer . They cannot help you with the ad but they can entertain you.

Emman, Alex and Oldman - 3 real men because real men drink beer.

Left them for a while, see whats on the table?

Alex, Oldman's brother, was wearing shorts at first. I made him go back and change.

I dont know what happened but it just did.

So as I was saying I left the boys for a while and met Silver. I only knew her since Genting last year, but it felt as though I knew her for ages. So friendly, so pretty and I got a tummy full of love for this woman.

With Muttons

Must throw in more of her face else idk when will be the next time I see her.

Went to find Mint as well. I remember knowing Mint through her blog and she is the nicest ! Where got people send the item you win from her blog to your doorstep one? MINT. I didnt like see her for a few years - thought she forget me already- and at the Domino's event this year, she recognised me first and said Hi. Humble star, this woman. Love her to bits too!

"LIKE" Budweiser Singapore on Facebook 

老的, thank you for being my hero of the night - free ride, free entertainment and also for walking me back all the way to my doorstep! I dont remember if I embarrassed myself but if I did, you will live with it. I secretly think its damn awesome to be in my life because of the benefits one can get. Y'all come have free beer yet I am the one who was "working". Okay, after looking at the above picture again, I think I look very overly attached.

Except that it wasnt a guys night out.

****

Okay, to not end this entry abruptly. I shall tell you a story. So the men -all into sports- spotted someone huge in Singapore sports scene. They took a terrible photo with him when I wasnt around. By terrible I meant the photo didnt turn out good. Oldman came to me and asked if I could help them take a photo with him and I said sure. Why would I turn Oldman down anyway right...

Fanboy moment

I dont know/dont remember what they were doing but they take damn long lah to like get into position to take a photo with him. So I was like "Girls will be girls. Come, let us take a photo while waiting for them to get ready." And I did.

 Didnt turn out great because I didnt want the men to spot me stealing a shoot. 

Still not ready yet.

Finally ready but not satisfied.

till they do their "thing".

That pretty much summed up my entire weekend. Remember to -

"LIKE" Budweiser Singapore on  Facebook 

Special thanks to : Issac Ritz for the invite. Valentine for waiting for me and being such a doll to my friends. Ang and Mint for being such darlings to me. The men for endless entertainment and being such a sport. Oldman for being him.

Let's just sidebar

There had been too much sadness in this space. Too much hating. Too much tears. Too much of nothing. I am such a gloomy soul that I had banished all the buoyant in me and joined the army of dejected fools. No, I kid. Christina Lim will prolly smack my ass real hard and drag me by the toe, putting me back on track. So, here I am, bearing some joyous news that happened in my life the past months.

First of all, I started dating this wonderful, athletic stud muffin for about three months now. You would prolly have known if you follow me on instagram (@robotgranny). Despite the decade age difference (which was one of my main concerns), we found ways to communicate and to agree to disagree on certain issues - none that are really major at this point of entry. Sure, not everyday is easy peasy lemon squeezy because I am not the easiest person to get along with and he prolly had already attained deity for all the random and temperamental mood swings/princess fits he had been putting up with. Wow, I just made myself sound like the worst person ever. I applaud him because there was no need for him to do so, but he did.

Conundrum, I call myself. Conundrum.

老的 Lǎo de 's patience for me is astounding and every single bone in me just want to do all the nicest things for him because ...just because. One day, I cooked. Yes, I cooked. I never had to do so because Koh likes cooking and I hate cooking. He likes putting food on my plate, he likes watching me eat while I like to see my plate filled with food and I like to eat. We had a really good food thing going on. Now, that we've broken up, I miss all the abalone congee I will get to eat when I am sick =(

I had the shortest time frame ever to cook congee because 老的 was coming down with flu and I had to meet my friends by 2030h. I knew he won't have anything nutritious to eat before popping his pills, but despite the need to get ready for a night out with my friends at the launch of Fashion TV club, the urge to cook for 老的 was very very strong.

Very very very strong.

With the help of my wonderful housekeeper, I managed to surprise him under his block with a Tupperware of piping hot chicken and century egg congee. We are both cantonese (YAY!) so I assumed that was the go-to congee. The perks of having someone special staying only 6 blocks away, you get to see him whenever you want and need. Of course, sometimes, the term "so near, yet so far" applies as well.

shamelessly throw in a random photo of me

Its only been a while. We are at what people call the "honeymoon period" although we are not together officially but things have been going rather smoothly and I've got a good feeling about this. Then again, its only human to err.

****
Moving on, Chris and I tagged along with Issac and Val for the launch of Fashion TV club.

With IssacRitz. Thanks for the invite, sweetie.

My homegirl, Chris Lim.

Principal with principles Val Low

New found friend, Zul

Group photo together with Michelle Fei and beau.

Yes, I've notice how much I've balloon-ed.

If you, like me, havent gone to Clark Quay for a while, please do. Fashion TV club has two rooms - Hiphop and Progressive House - and its nicely located next to Rasputin Restaurant. Grab a bite there and then party your night at Fashion TV club.

Best thing is, they have their own line of events and drinks. The whole idea of the club is so refreshing and creative. It kinda reminded me of Route66 in Bangkok, only prettier.

P/s: the taxi stand is so near, you can afford to drink to your fill and still grab a cab home safely.

****
Before you think I am all party and nothing good ever happens when with me, you are dead wrong. Some of you might remember what I do for a living. What I do for a living is very noble and I salute myself for the amount of patience and love I have for the humans I work with. I am jus so easily attached, it drives me nuts!

There is some good in me. I like to imagine that and I know actions speaks louder than words, and a picture speaks a thousand words. Therefore, believe it or not, ..

 Head of People's Association photobomb-ed me when the purpose of this photo was for me to photobomb him.

I volunteer.

Yes, yes, I do. I am the Publicity and New Media Secretary for Taman Jurong Community Club Youth Executive Committee (TJCC YEC). This is my second term (every term last for 2 years) and I dont brag about the things I've done because what I've done is just to sit at home, design banners and posters or creating buzz for our upcoming events behind the (computer) screen. Nothing noble,  really and I try to avoid being seen because I feel that I have an image to uphold.

Even Boon Lay CC YEC was shocked to see me as a PAYM Legatus (just fancy word for Ambassador) for #SGYouthsCare. "CELINE? YOU ARE HERE? VOLUNTEERING???" - was the response I got -.-

Eric and I put our smiles on!

As a Legatus, we are supposed to snap photos and upload them on instagram (@TJYOUTHS). In a way, I guess this is a way to cover news? Almost like a reporter. Almost.

I never seen such thing before other than in circus. Apparently its like street workout so no gym required. If you happen to live in Canberra, Sembawang, Singapore, you are in luck! They are one of the Youth Chapters. Please go check it out. The oldest guy is like 43??! Amazing.

****
Right, I've come to the last good news of the entry. *drums roll*

I passed. I dont know what's my result is still but I didnt receive any SMS for a retest. Therefore you are readiing an entry, written by a girl by the name of Celine who can sign! Not excessively but hey, I am done with Intermediate Stage. The next and last stage is Advance, which I doubt I'd be continuing.

As much as I enjoy signing, there is no point and no one to practise with. I might just end up forgetting whatever I've learnt. I've forgotten all the Japanese I've learn when I was 14. I got a Intermediate Certificate for that too.

Oh well, life is such.

Cheers to mid week!