Of Habits and Addictions

Us in '13

**** I was with EK for many years and throughout these many years, it had been a bumpy roller coaster ride without any seat belts on. It was scary at times, however thrilling and fun. EK gradually became my comfort zone. When we speak about breakup, we spoke about finding what we had in another person. Conclusion has always been "Unlikely/Not possible".

EK is one who knows love. He is someone I could bare my soul to because he listens and knows what to say. He is someone I could bare my naked body to because he makes me feel beautiful. He is someone I could call whenever because he is there for me. He is a very special someone to me. No one would ever understand the chemistry we shared.

Soon, I got hooked.

Having EK in my life gave me a sense of security in life; when all else fails, EK would still be standing there smiling at me, lifting the world on his shoulders... just for me. He constantly gives in to my whines/rants/needs/wants. To be honest, despite his flaws, he tries his very best to give me the very best. That made me love him, flaws and all.

I always knew EK would eventually get sick of me. The 5 years was full of EK kept giving and I kept receiving. I didn't know how to express my love for EK via actions. I didnt know how to show that I care via actions. Emotionally, I was a broken doll. Our break up was inevitable. I've always saw it coming, but I thought if I held on longer, EK will get over the phase and we will still be happy together.

EK was someone who puts in a lot of effort. He cooked, he cleaned, he made sure to plant surprise snacks in my bag when I go off to work. He took care of me when I am sick, regardless how serious the illness was. He made sure I receive my favourite flowers every V'day. He gave in to my every wimp. He planted kisses on me every morning if I am still in bed. He wrote notes and placed them in my wallet (some of them are still in my wallet) randomly. He was overall sweet and I was demanding.

Our last one and a half year together, we tried different ways to get along. I tried to loosen up and allowed EK to fly as far away as he wants to, thinking that he will fly back home because he knows I am waiting for him. EK did flew home, but it wasn't till 6 in the morning. By 3 am, I was already picking a fight with him for him to come home qiuck. I guess, I couldn't do the whole open relationship thing.. 'cause I became needy.

I moved back to my Parental's, with EK's approval. However, once I was settled down/got used to sleeping alone, EK started to call me every night. He would call to ask what time to pick me up to go somewhere then stay over his place or he could just check on me, which I appreciated. Some nights if we hang, I would insist on going back to my parents', some nights I would give in. Soon, we were both very tired, mentally and physically.

One day, he told me he found someone he said he love and who loved him back the way I couldn't whilst on his nights out with his BFF. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out this someone who I have an unspoken connection with whilst being miserable knowing EK and I were on the rocks. EK and I wouldn't grow old together anymore. We had reached our limits and it was really time to let go.

Letting go was the hardest part. Knowing that he had moved on and brought the girl home the very next day was devastating. I cried every 10 minutes, I wouldn't eat nor get out of bed, I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I don't know when will the pain end. I've lost a boyfriend, lover, partner, best friend overnight. Its been quite a while now since the day I packed everything and left. Do I regret leaving him? No. I reckon the people you meet at the wrong time, is the wrong person. I will admit I am still in love with the EK I knew in 09, the EK I planned to grow old with, the EK I woke up to everyday. I am still grieving, and I will grieve all I want.

Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

Let's just sidebar

There had been too much sadness in this space. Too much hating. Too much tears. Too much of nothing. I am such a gloomy soul that I had banished all the buoyant in me and joined the army of dejected fools. No, I kid. Christina Lim will prolly smack my ass real hard and drag me by the toe, putting me back on track. So, here I am, bearing some joyous news that happened in my life the past months.

First of all, I started dating this wonderful, athletic stud muffin for about three months now. You would prolly have known if you follow me on instagram (@robotgranny). Despite the decade age difference (which was one of my main concerns), we found ways to communicate and to agree to disagree on certain issues - none that are really major at this point of entry. Sure, not everyday is easy peasy lemon squeezy because I am not the easiest person to get along with and he prolly had already attained deity for all the random and temperamental mood swings/princess fits he had been putting up with. Wow, I just made myself sound like the worst person ever. I applaud him because there was no need for him to do so, but he did.

Conundrum, I call myself. Conundrum.

老的 Lǎo de 's patience for me is astounding and every single bone in me just want to do all the nicest things for him because ...just because. One day, I cooked. Yes, I cooked. I never had to do so because Koh likes cooking and I hate cooking. He likes putting food on my plate, he likes watching me eat while I like to see my plate filled with food and I like to eat. We had a really good food thing going on. Now, that we've broken up, I miss all the abalone congee I will get to eat when I am sick =(

I had the shortest time frame ever to cook congee because 老的 was coming down with flu and I had to meet my friends by 2030h. I knew he won't have anything nutritious to eat before popping his pills, but despite the need to get ready for a night out with my friends at the launch of Fashion TV club, the urge to cook for 老的 was very very strong.

Very very very strong.

With the help of my wonderful housekeeper, I managed to surprise him under his block with a Tupperware of piping hot chicken and century egg congee. We are both cantonese (YAY!) so I assumed that was the go-to congee. The perks of having someone special staying only 6 blocks away, you get to see him whenever you want and need. Of course, sometimes, the term "so near, yet so far" applies as well.

shamelessly throw in a random photo of me

Its only been a while. We are at what people call the "honeymoon period" although we are not together officially but things have been going rather smoothly and I've got a good feeling about this. Then again, its only human to err.

****
Moving on, Chris and I tagged along with Issac and Val for the launch of Fashion TV club.

With IssacRitz. Thanks for the invite, sweetie.

My homegirl, Chris Lim.

Principal with principles Val Low

New found friend, Zul

Group photo together with Michelle Fei and beau.

Yes, I've notice how much I've balloon-ed.

If you, like me, havent gone to Clark Quay for a while, please do. Fashion TV club has two rooms - Hiphop and Progressive House - and its nicely located next to Rasputin Restaurant. Grab a bite there and then party your night at Fashion TV club.

Best thing is, they have their own line of events and drinks. The whole idea of the club is so refreshing and creative. It kinda reminded me of Route66 in Bangkok, only prettier.

P/s: the taxi stand is so near, you can afford to drink to your fill and still grab a cab home safely.

****
Before you think I am all party and nothing good ever happens when with me, you are dead wrong. Some of you might remember what I do for a living. What I do for a living is very noble and I salute myself for the amount of patience and love I have for the humans I work with. I am jus so easily attached, it drives me nuts!

There is some good in me. I like to imagine that and I know actions speaks louder than words, and a picture speaks a thousand words. Therefore, believe it or not, ..

 Head of People's Association photobomb-ed me when the purpose of this photo was for me to photobomb him.

I volunteer.

Yes, yes, I do. I am the Publicity and New Media Secretary for Taman Jurong Community Club Youth Executive Committee (TJCC YEC). This is my second term (every term last for 2 years) and I dont brag about the things I've done because what I've done is just to sit at home, design banners and posters or creating buzz for our upcoming events behind the (computer) screen. Nothing noble,  really and I try to avoid being seen because I feel that I have an image to uphold.

Even Boon Lay CC YEC was shocked to see me as a PAYM Legatus (just fancy word for Ambassador) for #SGYouthsCare. "CELINE? YOU ARE HERE? VOLUNTEERING???" - was the response I got -.-

Eric and I put our smiles on!

As a Legatus, we are supposed to snap photos and upload them on instagram (@TJYOUTHS). In a way, I guess this is a way to cover news? Almost like a reporter. Almost.

I never seen such thing before other than in circus. Apparently its like street workout so no gym required. If you happen to live in Canberra, Sembawang, Singapore, you are in luck! They are one of the Youth Chapters. Please go check it out. The oldest guy is like 43??! Amazing.

****
Right, I've come to the last good news of the entry. *drums roll*

I passed. I dont know what's my result is still but I didnt receive any SMS for a retest. Therefore you are readiing an entry, written by a girl by the name of Celine who can sign! Not excessively but hey, I am done with Intermediate Stage. The next and last stage is Advance, which I doubt I'd be continuing.

As much as I enjoy signing, there is no point and no one to practise with. I might just end up forgetting whatever I've learnt. I've forgotten all the Japanese I've learn when I was 14. I got a Intermediate Certificate for that too.

Oh well, life is such.

Cheers to mid week!

Write my life

Recently I came to a conclusion that I have selective memory. I mainly remember the good that had happened and how upset I was at people. Ask me about my childhood, I surely can tell you the funny. Once, when I was barely 3, I was on a carousel with my mother, I hit a boy on his hand because he was trying to steer the wheel. It was a teenage boy. I even gave him a death stare.

I've never been hit by a child/kid while on a ride before. Not even sure why I did that. I was just selfish. I wanted the wheel all to myself. I am not sure if he was on a date with a girl then but if he was, my bad.

That aside, that will be the only story I can remember about my childhood. I have photos of me dressing my 2 year old brother in a skirt but I never remember how or why it happen. Its not like I didnt know he wasnt a girl... or because he prefers playing my barbie dolls.

Moving along, I went to a childcare.Only memory I have is my teacher waking me up from a wonderful nap because my parents are here... not to pick me up but to celebrate my birthday. Thank you, parents for making me serve my friends on my birthday. That explains why the photos turn out bad and ugly. I had such a sour face on.

And oh, also my teacher brought me out to buy bao one day because I couldnt get to sleep.

As years pass, I've no memory of anything else, I shifted from Serangoon to Jurong. My downstairs neighbour was my best friend and before I left, I told her that we will be best friends forever. Her mum was all like but you are moving.. and yes, her mum was right. For the life of me, I cant remember her face.. or her name. I moved in June.. I didnt have a class photo for graduating Kindergarten. I remember being sad about it. Which is also why I didnt smile when taking my solo graduation photo. Even my power ranger watch was broken. Wait, maybe it was because all the other kids had their photo taken already and were off at the playground playing while I was stuck in a oversize grown. FUCK.

Jurong.... first memory? Being lost. I couldnt find my way around. I couldnt find my helper who was supposed to pick me up at the usual spot but my grandmother came instead and she reprimanded me for not waiting outside the classroom and she had to find me. I even hated the playground.

I didnt make any genuine friends till about primary school. I finally had friends living in the same block. I even told a guy I want to have big breast when I grow up. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It was short lived as we move on to secondary school. Everyone went to a better school. I didnt have an expectation of myself. My parents didnt have any expectations other than "do your best". We are not as Asian as we like to think we are.

My primary school friends always remind me of who bullied me in school and what ive done to revenge or how ive cried. But, I have no recollection of it. They tell me what I said to caused the reaction of others but still, no memory of it. I only remember how everyone laughed at an essay Doug did and I didnt know whats so funny till the teacher explained the joke.

I was such a loser.

Secondary school came and gone. I still got bullied but I forgot how and why. I remember meeting my best friend on a bus when I was 14. I remember meeting Koh when I was 20. And in future, I hope I remember how I got hitched, pregnant and remember my children for the rest of my life. Life hasnt straighten out for me. But, I know I will get there.

Merry X'mas, bro.

Hey K,

Hope you are well. I just wanna wish you a very Merry X'mas up there with the big guy. Go slow on the drinks, bro.

I will never forget the times we had together. Please be waiting at the entrance when its my turn to come. I die to hear you laugh and smile again. Maybe, I just need THAT closure that I was begging for.

Either way, have another beer on me and Sani.

I miss you always,

Ryan.

Another year

I turn 22 in 7 days. Half a year gone and looking at my resolutions, I dont think I completed any one of it. Time passes so fast but Im not going at the same pace. Life used to be simple now everything seems to be a race against time.

Regrets and reminisce aside, I hope Koh has something up his sleeves as I am not planning my birthday this year. In case he does a bad job which I pretty sure he will, I want a black tie birthday dinner!

Koh has never plan anything for me. First birthday, we not together yet so he dont want celebrate. 2nd year, I planned my own, he did the decorations and complained a whole lot. This year, I hope he bring his A game!

Turning 22 is not a very big deal but I LOVE THE NUMBER '2' so being 22 is gonna be huge for me!

Charlie asked me what I want for my birthday. First person to ask me, really. I told him its something that he cannot afford. Ive been telling Koh for a year already and Koh said the same thing so I not gonna put my hopes high but damnit, I WANT A FUCKING IPAD!

Then, Charlie say he will get me 'Whisper' brand and draw a 'i' on it -.-'

Koh has gotten me a 'Celine' wallet. Celine for a Celine, get it? And Im hinting him on the 200$ diamond I saw the other day just because I want some securities from him. Cant believe myself however I also pointed to him the DNKY (for Celine Ng Kai Yin [CNKY]) bag that dropped to 200$ for Great Singapore Sale (GSS). Just because the Kate Spade bag I wanted was too expensive for him to afford.

Woes of a non materialist girlfriend. But a girl can dream, right?

Actually, a pillow or bolster will come in handy too in case the ones I have now fail me. I think 22 means I should be more practical and prolly use Sheng Shiong recyclable bag or something similar.

And I need a watch. My current one is nearly into pieces. It is 2 years old already and brought from Mustafa. Lol. Id love a Armani one or FCUK! Will an Agnes B bracelet be too much too? Gah, I feel so atas because I feel like owning one or two expensive shit. Maybe its time to save up. Hmm...

Speaking of which, the bag that Cher got for my 21st is still in very good condition. I took care of it okay and still loving it! Thank you, bestie.

I think this year is going to be a blast with the close friends 'cause there is Code on friday, Poptart on Saturday and MY BIRTHDAY on Sunday. Hope my boss dont work me till I no mood to party my ass off.

Dear you |||

Photo credits to: AA

My best friend, Cheryl, lost her Chinchilla, Chewie, yesterday. It was a very unfortunate accident and she is still recovering from the passing of Chewie. Now, she is doubting her abilities of a pet owner.

Let's all pray for Cheryl's recovery of the shock and Chewie's way to heaven.

p/s: This is not an April's Fool joke. For more information, please visit ArtlessAlis.com. Extend your help in any way possible. Thanks.

She will be coming round the mountains

I do not usually post up photos of me and my friends out in the clubs. Well, partically because I am lazy and the other portion is because it will be on facebook anyway. You people dont need to know what the hell I do, do we? Kidding.

Christelle came to town on friday and we partied on Saturday. I havent seen her for about a year now ever since she left Lasalle to study in New Zealand. She comes back every once a year for her mother's business. Her mother is sick now (lets pray for her) so Id expect to see Christelle more often in SG.

I brought her to Zouk because she havent been there and I dont like Attica anymore. Okay la, because I wanted to go Zouk and Koh's friends all going there also okay.

Christelle had to leave early 'cause she had a flight to catch the next day. Jun Xiong, a friend of the boy, who was following Christelle everywhere she go, went missing after Christelle left the club. For obvious reasons, our drunken selves stray into thinking they are both fucking.

However, that was the idea. He left after sending Christelle to take a cab. To create an illision that he went home with her. Question: Is there a need to? Does it boost the guy's ego? Pfftt.

Zoukout 2010

I didnt really enjoy myself this year at Zoukout. It was overcrowded and too many pushings around. Unless you are on a platform, its impossible to dance for more than 5 minutes because someone will asking you to move so that he/she/they can walk pass. The rain was okay. In fact, I love how it did rain. However, I could not take any pictures because of the crowd and rain.

Hence, you might want to enjoy pictures of pre zoukout and post zoukout.

Bee's virgin zoukout!

We are in Raymond's crib.

Will miss her when she leaves for sweden.

Giving me the eye because I disturb him playing PS3.

Never mess with the Yat Sun.

Hyping up!

Found Raymond's halloween headgear.

Alcohol now. Save later.

Koh had a battle and got a cut on his toe before we reach the bench.

LOVE YOU, KOH!

Must Be

Everyone must be bored of my formspring questions entry but it seems to get more business than SSL! I should shut it down but I know it will be like "OMG ONE LESS ENTERTAINMENT CANT STALK HER ANYMORE".

So I went one week without running due to the rain and i decided to weigh myself to see what damage I've done. Jeng Jeng Jeng… I lost 2kg. Well, thats what the machine says. Aidan thinks it is cause I chop my hair. To celebrate this victory, I went to eat KFC.

Its 4 more days till Zoukout which means Ive 3 more days to run before I get an award from Zouk for being the fattest being at Zoukout. I also need to cut down on fags because my BFF, Cheryl, is nearly quitting.

This is the most relac entry ever. My english is all over the place.

Hey Kevin Stoifl.

I never dreamt it'd be this way
I've lost any chance for me to say
To say that I miss you, say that I love you
Will someone please tell me I'm okay

I wasn't prepared for what's to come
A life made of memories gone so young
And now I'm regretting all I've done
But in your heart know that I'm with you all along

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight

I never thought that this could go
And take me away from all I know
And leave me to think I'm on my own
But your love will take me, you were the one...

...Who sat through nights
You held me tight
And made sure I'm okay
And I thank you for the love you gave to me

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight...

Tonight...

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
And if I should fall, I know you're waiting
And if I should call, I know you're there
If ever you cry just know
I'm in your heart tonight...
I'm in your heart tonight.

Dear you ||

Bro, its a shock to all of us. We prolly know why you did it but this lost is heartbreaking. I will never forgive you, giving me this misery for the rest of my life. I am sure you are in a better place and having a beer or two with whoever with you.

I hate having to answer questions that friends pose to me. All the when, whats and how. Who's gonna answer my whys?

I dreamt of you 3 times. Of the 3 times, you were giving me some kind of excuse as why you are not in class. One of the 3, you were piss that we came to find you. Were you trying to tell me something? Telling me that you were angry we didnt look for you? You didnt want to go serve the nation?

The last dream I had of you, you told me you are going overseas for work. By overseas, you actually mean to go live in the clouds with God and play L4D2?

Oh look, nostrils!

You hated the flash from my camera.
I know you will always be there to hug me when I am down.
Yes, Kev. You are very unique.
My personal favourite photo of us.
2nd favourite.
Douche. I will never forget this night. Best. Night. Ever. I never knew Sani's hands were there.

Sani will forever be my Barney Stinson and you are forever my Marshall Eriksen. I shall be cool ass Robin Scherbatsky. Although I can not watch HIMYM the same way again, I will still do because you know how much Marshall reminds me of you. The 3 months you been missing, were the times I watch the show most regularly. I rewatched like dont know how many billion times.

Well, you turn 20 today. You left us on 3rd Oct. We got the news only on 29th Nov. Seriously, cant you wait for like another 2 months and have one last beer with us before you decided to do what you did? I know we dont usually stop at a beer but the least you could do it that.

I was looking at Skype's contact list and I realise I havent talk to you in ages. Yup, the last conversation we had was in June. I decided to chat with you yesterday. You have always been tech-savvy. Why didnt you reply me on Skype?

Are you really gone? I am so sorry for myself for having to lose you so soon. You were my 2nd friend in SMa. The one I can never get angry with. Who is gonna give me harsh wake up calls now? You are really one bad friend.

I wont hate you forever but I know you will forever be in my heart. Happy 20th. Till I see you again. No, Sani and you cannot implant any baby in me. I'd be a hundred years old, looking awesome and Sani will be old and ugly, hope you recognise him.