Of Habits and Addictions

Us in '13

**** I was with EK for many years and throughout these many years, it had been a bumpy roller coaster ride without any seat belts on. It was scary at times, however thrilling and fun. EK gradually became my comfort zone. When we speak about breakup, we spoke about finding what we had in another person. Conclusion has always been "Unlikely/Not possible".

EK is one who knows love. He is someone I could bare my soul to because he listens and knows what to say. He is someone I could bare my naked body to because he makes me feel beautiful. He is someone I could call whenever because he is there for me. He is a very special someone to me. No one would ever understand the chemistry we shared.

Soon, I got hooked.

Having EK in my life gave me a sense of security in life; when all else fails, EK would still be standing there smiling at me, lifting the world on his shoulders... just for me. He constantly gives in to my whines/rants/needs/wants. To be honest, despite his flaws, he tries his very best to give me the very best. That made me love him, flaws and all.

I always knew EK would eventually get sick of me. The 5 years was full of EK kept giving and I kept receiving. I didn't know how to express my love for EK via actions. I didnt know how to show that I care via actions. Emotionally, I was a broken doll. Our break up was inevitable. I've always saw it coming, but I thought if I held on longer, EK will get over the phase and we will still be happy together.

EK was someone who puts in a lot of effort. He cooked, he cleaned, he made sure to plant surprise snacks in my bag when I go off to work. He took care of me when I am sick, regardless how serious the illness was. He made sure I receive my favourite flowers every V'day. He gave in to my every wimp. He planted kisses on me every morning if I am still in bed. He wrote notes and placed them in my wallet (some of them are still in my wallet) randomly. He was overall sweet and I was demanding.

Our last one and a half year together, we tried different ways to get along. I tried to loosen up and allowed EK to fly as far away as he wants to, thinking that he will fly back home because he knows I am waiting for him. EK did flew home, but it wasn't till 6 in the morning. By 3 am, I was already picking a fight with him for him to come home qiuck. I guess, I couldn't do the whole open relationship thing.. 'cause I became needy.

I moved back to my Parental's, with EK's approval. However, once I was settled down/got used to sleeping alone, EK started to call me every night. He would call to ask what time to pick me up to go somewhere then stay over his place or he could just check on me, which I appreciated. Some nights if we hang, I would insist on going back to my parents', some nights I would give in. Soon, we were both very tired, mentally and physically.

One day, he told me he found someone he said he love and who loved him back the way I couldn't whilst on his nights out with his BFF. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out this someone who I have an unspoken connection with whilst being miserable knowing EK and I were on the rocks. EK and I wouldn't grow old together anymore. We had reached our limits and it was really time to let go.

Letting go was the hardest part. Knowing that he had moved on and brought the girl home the very next day was devastating. I cried every 10 minutes, I wouldn't eat nor get out of bed, I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I don't know when will the pain end. I've lost a boyfriend, lover, partner, best friend overnight. Its been quite a while now since the day I packed everything and left. Do I regret leaving him? No. I reckon the people you meet at the wrong time, is the wrong person. I will admit I am still in love with the EK I knew in 09, the EK I planned to grow old with, the EK I woke up to everyday. I am still grieving, and I will grieve all I want.

Date A Girl Who Plays Dodgeball

Date a girl who knows how to avoid getting hurt during a nasty game of Dodgeball, a girl who knows how to nurse her own bruises if she ever does get injured, a girl who gives it her all and even when drenched in sweat, will give you the biggest hug after every game.

Date a girl who plays dodgeball because she understands the power of strength. She knows not to go alone, and will never let you go, alone. This girl has strong arm power, and has the ability to catch you when you fall. Date a girl who plays dodgeball because she doesn't mind letting you see her true self - decked in her old team jersey, unwashed knee pads, her pair of 1765 days old Nike she bought at a warehouse sale, no makeup, and messy hair.

Date a girl who plays dodgeball because she knows how to motivate. She will always be your cheerleader and your number 1 supporter. She smiles as she watches your every move because she is proud of you and believes that you are proud of her too. This girl is your lucky star.

If you date a girl who plays dodgeball, make sure you play too because this girl loves a challenge. She will definitely prefer to play against you than to play along side with you. Offer her a challenge - don't be afraid to catch her ball or throw her out of the game. She will never be mad at you for that.

Choose your dodger wisely. Not every girl who plays dodgeball is the right one to fall in love with. However, if you do find that girl who plays dodgeball, trust me, it will taste like 3 in 1 milo mix - simple, sweet, and seductive.

This is how I will leave you

With a backbone.

With everything I had ever given to you in toll.

With a head full of silky smooth hair.

With my head held high.

With glittery eyes that shone like the moonlight.

With a radiant face that glows with Glory.

With a pocket filled with sunshine.

With God's grace.

Amen.

us

I am nothing like her, and she's nothing like me.

I will never understand why you would chose someone like her over someone like me. How did your taste change overnight? What did I do to have pushed you so far away from me? I stood by you thru hard times. I supported you thru hard times. I was there for you all the time.

But, where were you when I needed you?

I pondered over our relationship every now and then. How did this bittersweet emotion feel so right? How did I manage to overlook every single flaws of yours? How was it possible that every inch of you is beautiful to me? Why did I even try to see your beauty?

I loved you, thats why.

I cherished our fights, our disagreements, our everything negative. I think it adds spice to our relationship and I wouldn't exchange any second of that for the world. All the battle scars we had are all worth it. All the heated exchanges were all worth it.

Because, it means we were fighting for each other.

There are so much more I'd do for you then that I will still do for you now. I hope you are doing great. I hope she takes good care of you , even more than I ever did. I hope you have found your one true love. I hope she has also found her one true love.

That girl who is nothing like me.

Laze

Sunset at Ko Phi Phi . 

The littlest things picks you up and turns you around. If you feel discourage, there is always a lack of colour until you find the littlest thing - the spectrum A to Z . It's the littlest things that don't matter, matter. I should have given you a reason to stay, but I chose to walk away .

This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in months . Everything about us was based on my fantasy ; that voice in my head . I've been thinking lately, you don't need me anymore . And god knows, it's a common misconception that you are the one for me . I was certain about it . In fact, I could flew you to France if you asked. 

Of course, that doesn't matter anymore , because the littlest things do not exist . 

I love blogging -

There is no doubt in the world about that.

I started when I was barely of age to know what harm the Internet had for me and throughout my adolescent, I've created and abandoned a few online diaries of mine. You see, I've always been a pens-on person. Then in 2010, I decided that the Gemini in me needed an online sanctuary; somewhere I can rant the angsty kid in me out to the public without being/feeling guilty.

There are many reasons why I like this space. There are many reasons why people like a space like this. There are many reasons why. Here's my list, just to name a few -

1) Blogging brought me to places I never knew I'd go;

Velvet Zouk KL

Genting

Bintan

2) Met people I've never knew I'd meet;

My first group of fun lovin' blogging friends!

My first female blogging friends !

Met Ang.

Met Yuhao who I think stopped blogging.

Met HP and Clarence Kor.

Met a previous Team Singapore Bodybuilder.

Met SpongeBob.

3) Do things I've never thought I'd do;

Pose awkwardly in front of a statue overseas.

Experience Snow.

Write wishes on lantern and set it off into the air.

Went on a local amazing race adventure and won.

4) Experience food and drinks the way I've never thought I'd experience.

With a bunch of newly made friends.

Atas food on an atas setting.

First event with Oldman who enjoyed beer very much that day.

This space has not been as exciting as I would love it to be nor as exciting as it could be but it is and always will be a place I call mine. There hasn't been much on my plate when comes to blogging and I've been very peace-loving recently. But, I still do hope to continue taking up cyberspace and add more things to my list of "why I blog". I do not call myself a blogger because there are many people out there more worthy of this label. I say I am a creative individual who express herself thru a social media platform, namely blogger.

However, as I grew taller, I learnt that some things are just not meant for the WWW. With that, I am also very much in love with my white lined paper and colourful Smiggle pens. Give me that for X'mas and we will be best friends forever.

Wanna win an iPad Mini or 12-months blogging contract? You can enjoy the perks of being a Blogger too!!! Like The Influencer Network facebook page https://www.facebook.com/TheiNetwork . Join them onboard at http://www.influencersg.com/join.html (No Registration Fee) and explore your dreams of becoming a popular and influential blogger in Singapore. Be proactive and take the first step to the many opportunities ahead!

Another one of those ..

Her eyes sparkled with distress. I should be cross with her for giving me such a fright, instead I let her into my messy but presentable home. As she picked up the dial to key in her husbands number, I decided to make a pot of tea. I reckon both of us needed one to calm our nerves . 

Sally had been my neighbor for as long as I had lived here . We hardly speak. In fact, after switching to the night shift, I did not see her around anymore. Her husband, James , travelled a lot for work. They did not have kids and Sally was a very independent woman. To have her left her keys in her car and flustering into my apartment right behind me, something was definitely not right . However, I did not want to intentionally eavesdrop. Sally would tell me once the time is right.

After what felt like forever and I was beginning to hope it was a call made locally, Sally set the receiver back on the dial and looked at me. "I'm pregnant!", Sally exploded her need with such joy and pride that my apartment was engulfed with a scent of happiness; an emotion that hasn't been emitted in a while. I was happy. Happy for my childhood sweetheart. 

Things that I will never tell you

I am totally the man in this picture while Koh's the woman.

Coming into the 6th month of my breakup with Koh, I am reaching the stage of resentment at myself and feeling really sorry for myself. Last two nights was full of "what has become of me". At first, i get sympathy from my friends then it was pity and now, I guess I am just annoying the fuck out of them. When asked what should I do if one day I were to stop teaching, Oldman said, "Write". I pondered on it for abit and then agreed. I may not a writer to begin with, however he reminded me of how useful this tool is.

It was a tool I used to get it out of my system.

A relationship is like cooking soup; too many cooks spoil it, but when and if given too little attention, water gets evaporated into nothing. What happened between the both of us was abit of everything. There was a time where I cheated, then we both cared too much, then he cheated, then I decided to take steps back while he threw his attention at me, then there is where we are right now. Guess we just grew old too fast and instead of going out doing things people our age do, we stayed in, cuddled, and that was it. We led such a "marriage" lifestyle, I almost didn't blame him for cheating on me - I still don't.

Whereas for the longest time, I blamed it on myself. I said, to myself, that I wasn't good enough, I was just terrible, I didn't listen, I couldn't get to him 'cause I didn't try hard enough, 'cause I was lazy, 'cause I this I that.Every.Single.Day.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and if we kept tabs, I am Jesus of all Girlfriends, I daresay.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, we both know its unhealthy if we kept on going.

Given everything that happened during the years we had been together, and I still will go back to him in a heartbeat -without any romantic gestures-, I think I am a failure, which, sad to say, I am.

Maybe, I shouldn't be reminiscing at all. Perhaps, its the period that's talking right now. Otherwise, I'd like to start on my list of Things I Will Never Tell You. After months of avoiding and hiding my feelings under my bed, this is going to be my first step of handling my breakup with Koh. Although, I never expect a day where he will stop loving me and stop being my The One, I wish him the best with the other 937873987 girls he's chasing right now.

I will never tell you how comfortable you make me feel under my skin for the first few years of our relationship. Maybe your dick just needed some actions and I was there therefore in order to get some, your natural instinct was to praise me.

I will never tell you how how much I needed you and our relationship. How our hands fit nicely into each other's and how nice it is to be with someone who never belittles me.

I will never tell you how I sometimes wonder why me. Why of all the girls in the world, you picked me.

I will never tell you that it hurts now that it is game over for the both of us. I miss my best friend everyday.

I will never tell you that I thought we were forever. Despite all the shortcomings, you are the one I love.

I will never tell you that its your face I want to wake up to every damn morning and the face I want to see before I fall asleep. Its not very handsome nor pleasant yet its the only thing I look forward to.

I will never tell you how much of a liar you are. You said I could tell you everything and anything but then, we hardly speak anymore. It's getting crazy and unbecoming of me to block you from my social media platforms just so that you would miss me too.

I will never tell you that I hate myself for caring, wallowing in self pity and not getting you out of my head. Why wasnt I enough and am I really not enough.

I will never tell you that.

I will never.

Bird's-eye View

Her eyes fixated on him. That man across the multipurpose hall, full of charm. He greeted them. Its never going happen, she thought to herself as she holds and cuddles the only sweetheart she had been with for many years. Its never going to happen, she assured herself once again. Subconsciously, she was stealing glances. Subconsciously, she was, stealing glances. Subconsciously.

The game started. She tried her best to remove his presence from the court. He smelt nice. No. No. He doesn't exist. No. No. He smelt nice. No. No. Get out of my head, she repeated in a rhythmic phrase. That's not the way to hold the ball, he offered her suggestion about the best course of action to her. Shut up, she bellowed in a loud but sharp way, jokingly. The whole hall could almost hear her despite the commotion surrounding the space. Was she rude? She doesn't care. All she wanted was for her heart to stop beating at an accelerated speed. For a moment there, the atmosphere was at a standstill. She reckoned she was going to have her breath cut off quickly and unexpectedly. She thought she was going to die.

Her heart should stop being such a Know-It-All.

It wasn't as though he wanted her as badly as she wanted him at first sight - oh, that charm, that winning beaming smile, that strand of hair that wouldn't go down. She watched as he got closer. Not to her. Her heart sunk as she held on tighter to her sweetheart, as though giving her support and strength. That man across the multipurpose hall, full of charm, planting a kiss on a long haired, shapely but ghastly looking.. son of a bitch! She was scarred by that image. That image that clouded her mind.



Her eyes still fixated on him, as she walked out of the hall with a swag. She couldn't resist his charms yet she couldn't get a second serving even if she tried. She didn't come back for awhile. She couldn't. She wouldn't. She shouldn't. I watched as she hid away her fondness for him, as she suppressed her want to shower him with affection, as she omitted her adoration of him, as she walked away with her bags, holding the hands of her only sweetheart she will regret being with for many years.