Of Habits and Addictions

Us in '13

**** I was with EK for many years and throughout these many years, it had been a bumpy roller coaster ride without any seat belts on. It was scary at times, however thrilling and fun. EK gradually became my comfort zone. When we speak about breakup, we spoke about finding what we had in another person. Conclusion has always been "Unlikely/Not possible".

EK is one who knows love. He is someone I could bare my soul to because he listens and knows what to say. He is someone I could bare my naked body to because he makes me feel beautiful. He is someone I could call whenever because he is there for me. He is a very special someone to me. No one would ever understand the chemistry we shared.

Soon, I got hooked.

Having EK in my life gave me a sense of security in life; when all else fails, EK would still be standing there smiling at me, lifting the world on his shoulders... just for me. He constantly gives in to my whines/rants/needs/wants. To be honest, despite his flaws, he tries his very best to give me the very best. That made me love him, flaws and all.

I always knew EK would eventually get sick of me. The 5 years was full of EK kept giving and I kept receiving. I didn't know how to express my love for EK via actions. I didnt know how to show that I care via actions. Emotionally, I was a broken doll. Our break up was inevitable. I've always saw it coming, but I thought if I held on longer, EK will get over the phase and we will still be happy together.

EK was someone who puts in a lot of effort. He cooked, he cleaned, he made sure to plant surprise snacks in my bag when I go off to work. He took care of me when I am sick, regardless how serious the illness was. He made sure I receive my favourite flowers every V'day. He gave in to my every wimp. He planted kisses on me every morning if I am still in bed. He wrote notes and placed them in my wallet (some of them are still in my wallet) randomly. He was overall sweet and I was demanding.

Our last one and a half year together, we tried different ways to get along. I tried to loosen up and allowed EK to fly as far away as he wants to, thinking that he will fly back home because he knows I am waiting for him. EK did flew home, but it wasn't till 6 in the morning. By 3 am, I was already picking a fight with him for him to come home qiuck. I guess, I couldn't do the whole open relationship thing.. 'cause I became needy.

I moved back to my Parental's, with EK's approval. However, once I was settled down/got used to sleeping alone, EK started to call me every night. He would call to ask what time to pick me up to go somewhere then stay over his place or he could just check on me, which I appreciated. Some nights if we hang, I would insist on going back to my parents', some nights I would give in. Soon, we were both very tired, mentally and physically.

One day, he told me he found someone he said he love and who loved him back the way I couldn't whilst on his nights out with his BFF. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out this someone who I have an unspoken connection with whilst being miserable knowing EK and I were on the rocks. EK and I wouldn't grow old together anymore. We had reached our limits and it was really time to let go.

Letting go was the hardest part. Knowing that he had moved on and brought the girl home the very next day was devastating. I cried every 10 minutes, I wouldn't eat nor get out of bed, I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I don't know when will the pain end. I've lost a boyfriend, lover, partner, best friend overnight. Its been quite a while now since the day I packed everything and left. Do I regret leaving him? No. I reckon the people you meet at the wrong time, is the wrong person. I will admit I am still in love with the EK I knew in 09, the EK I planned to grow old with, the EK I woke up to everyday. I am still grieving, and I will grieve all I want.

This is how I will leave you

With a backbone.

With everything I had ever given to you in toll.

With a head full of silky smooth hair.

With my head held high.

With glittery eyes that shone like the moonlight.

With a radiant face that glows with Glory.

With a pocket filled with sunshine.

With God's grace.

Amen.

us

I am nothing like her, and she's nothing like me.

I will never understand why you would chose someone like her over someone like me. How did your taste change overnight? What did I do to have pushed you so far away from me? I stood by you thru hard times. I supported you thru hard times. I was there for you all the time.

But, where were you when I needed you?

I pondered over our relationship every now and then. How did this bittersweet emotion feel so right? How did I manage to overlook every single flaws of yours? How was it possible that every inch of you is beautiful to me? Why did I even try to see your beauty?

I loved you, thats why.

I cherished our fights, our disagreements, our everything negative. I think it adds spice to our relationship and I wouldn't exchange any second of that for the world. All the battle scars we had are all worth it. All the heated exchanges were all worth it.

Because, it means we were fighting for each other.

There are so much more I'd do for you then that I will still do for you now. I hope you are doing great. I hope she takes good care of you , even more than I ever did. I hope you have found your one true love. I hope she has also found her one true love.

That girl who is nothing like me.

Believe VS Knowledge

People close to me would have realised the change in me. As I grew older, perhaps its the motherly instincts kicking in, I started to lose myself and became the overthinker I am today. My homies questioned me, asking where is the Celine they used to know. That strong carefree woman they knew since 17 and a half. As I search deep within myself, not only I couldnt find the answer, I start to over worry.

Today, I had the honour to sit and listen to the stud muffin who finally gave me constructive comments, telling me about Hope and Expectations.

It really does not take too long to understand how I work; what you see is what you get. I never hide who I truly am. But, to be able to understand me in such short period of time, I take my hat off Oldman. Old and wise, doesnt even fully describe him. I am thankful for his presence in my life.

As negative as I may be now, he pulls me back on the right track. I cant turn to my positive self overnight, however I am trying. I am sharing this because I am going through a difficult time, finding myself and understanding myself all over again. I mean, at 24 and a half, I finally am starting to develop armpit hairs and pimples! Wadddup, Puberty.

I've stopped writing, I know. Then, I lost myself.

Perhaps expressing myself in words is the best way to wake myself up. I got to get up, prove a point, prove people wrong, and prove myself that I am not who I am now. I am better than that. Now that I am almost done with my wake up call to myself, its time to hit the sack and await the wake up call from Oldman because I got work at 9am. I hate working in the mornings...

Write my life

Recently I came to a conclusion that I have selective memory. I mainly remember the good that had happened and how upset I was at people. Ask me about my childhood, I surely can tell you the funny. Once, when I was barely 3, I was on a carousel with my mother, I hit a boy on his hand because he was trying to steer the wheel. It was a teenage boy. I even gave him a death stare.

I've never been hit by a child/kid while on a ride before. Not even sure why I did that. I was just selfish. I wanted the wheel all to myself. I am not sure if he was on a date with a girl then but if he was, my bad.

That aside, that will be the only story I can remember about my childhood. I have photos of me dressing my 2 year old brother in a skirt but I never remember how or why it happen. Its not like I didnt know he wasnt a girl... or because he prefers playing my barbie dolls.

Moving along, I went to a childcare.Only memory I have is my teacher waking me up from a wonderful nap because my parents are here... not to pick me up but to celebrate my birthday. Thank you, parents for making me serve my friends on my birthday. That explains why the photos turn out bad and ugly. I had such a sour face on.

And oh, also my teacher brought me out to buy bao one day because I couldnt get to sleep.

As years pass, I've no memory of anything else, I shifted from Serangoon to Jurong. My downstairs neighbour was my best friend and before I left, I told her that we will be best friends forever. Her mum was all like but you are moving.. and yes, her mum was right. For the life of me, I cant remember her face.. or her name. I moved in June.. I didnt have a class photo for graduating Kindergarten. I remember being sad about it. Which is also why I didnt smile when taking my solo graduation photo. Even my power ranger watch was broken. Wait, maybe it was because all the other kids had their photo taken already and were off at the playground playing while I was stuck in a oversize grown. FUCK.

Jurong.... first memory? Being lost. I couldnt find my way around. I couldnt find my helper who was supposed to pick me up at the usual spot but my grandmother came instead and she reprimanded me for not waiting outside the classroom and she had to find me. I even hated the playground.

I didnt make any genuine friends till about primary school. I finally had friends living in the same block. I even told a guy I want to have big breast when I grow up. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It was short lived as we move on to secondary school. Everyone went to a better school. I didnt have an expectation of myself. My parents didnt have any expectations other than "do your best". We are not as Asian as we like to think we are.

My primary school friends always remind me of who bullied me in school and what ive done to revenge or how ive cried. But, I have no recollection of it. They tell me what I said to caused the reaction of others but still, no memory of it. I only remember how everyone laughed at an essay Doug did and I didnt know whats so funny till the teacher explained the joke.

I was such a loser.

Secondary school came and gone. I still got bullied but I forgot how and why. I remember meeting my best friend on a bus when I was 14. I remember meeting Koh when I was 20. And in future, I hope I remember how I got hitched, pregnant and remember my children for the rest of my life. Life hasnt straighten out for me. But, I know I will get there.

Hafiz's Wedding at Hotel Re!

Koh and I attended my friend's wedding. Our first wedding we go together alone as a couple! Really, it surprises me that we still have first times whenever we have our first times.

First march in.

The food is so-so. Its not inedible but for a hotel such as Hotel Re!, I expected the food to be tastier than this. Service was terrible too! The waiter was rude and he made me wait sooo long for wine! Maybe, after all the goodies at Genting, Xin Wang and Bintan, my tastebuds have become very atas.

2nd March in.

Yam Seng!

I am so glad to finally meet the man of my Kak Rohana and of course, shes getting married next year! So is Mat Noor! Amy Cheong, sorry but Malay has the best weddings; good food! Had such a exhausting talk with Kak Nad ('cause I was losing my voice. I really lost it the next day) about a certain someone. I miss talking to her and having her cover my ass all the time. Life is such.

How to keep your relationship alive

So I heard that after the 2nd year milestone in a relationship, things will go sour. One might even have their feelings faded. I am in no position to really say much about this topic 'cause other than Koh, my longest relationship last about less than 6 months.

Usually, I blame it on my star sign. I am a Gemini, you see. Then, I blamed it on my birth timing and my star sign.

"Marriage is not for her and, if she does throw herself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. " -http://bit.ly/Vs4Mnu Cafe Astrology 

See, not I ownself think very highly of myself but to be in a 3 year relationship with Koh, I think Koh must have done something wrong in his previous life and in this life, he has to pay me back. I can't find any other reason why a Virgo and a Gemini can sustain a very spicy, fun and healthy relationship.

most recent photo of us on his 23rd

I am here, however, to offer my tips. How to sustain a relationship despite having the universe against you. Told you I've a thing for going against the universe. Its like the oxygen that keeps my body from functioning; part of my respiratory system.

This is my - how to make your relationship last :

1) Absence dont make the heart grow fonder.

Dont listen to bullshit like that. Koh and I see each other on a daily basis ever since we had our first date. We learn more about each other every day even till today! I will never grow old of having him make me breakfast, kiss me goodnight and say I love you to me every morning.

2) Let the tiger in you out.

There is nothing you cannot share with him. Unleash your everything. You not happy? Just say. Feel like doing the duty? Just do. Don't be afraid that you will end up in a fight. In a grand scheme of things, all these things will prolly be really small issues. The big issue is what to name your daughter/son.

3) Be involved.

Its been 2 years about time this happen if it has not. He has to be involved in yours and you have to be involved in his. There is no such thing as "your friend" "my friend" "your money" "his money" after 2 years. Its "our friend" and "our money". Unless you secretly have a friend that is originally his who you dislike than thats not your friend. Dont force yourself to like something/someone you dont like. Although it is his friend but see number 2, you have to let it known to him and why.

3) This is not the game of thrones

Sometimes he wins in a fight. Sometimes you win. Always remember to apologise.

4) It is also not a guessing game.

Obviously a huge amount of talking is involved in a relationship as both of you are not mind readers. My tips are somehow revolving that. Perhaps because I am a Gemini and we talk more than its humanly possible. Communication is really the key to keep any form of relationship alive. 

5) Dont change the way you are.

No matter how many complains you receive from your partner. If not, next time you will be hearing alot of "last time you do this one. now you dont ever" even if you do however not as often.

6) Always say your "please" and "thank you".

It makes your partner feels that you appreciate their effort and not take it for granted.

7) Honesty

Even if you are an asshole and cheat. Better to let it out than to let your partner find out. If he/she finds out, there is no turning back. If you tell the truth and he/she still leaves you, you know he/she is not a keeper and hey, you deserve a second chance because you feel remorseful therefore told the truth. Nothing wrong with that action. Forgive and forget else you cannot move on to the next chapter of the relationship; marriage.

8) Dont forget to maintain intimacy and closeness.

A good relationship is a life-long process that needs continuous work and attention. Say "I love you" and mean it as often as you can.

9) Surprises!

Often it sparks the relationship. It tells each other that "hey, you didnt forget that I like sunflowers" or "You noticed that I need a new wallet!" These little elements might not mean anything to you but it definitely mean something to your partner. It will put a smile on their faces.

10) Those were the days.

When you think your relationship is dying, take a walk down memory lane. It will remind you and your partner why both of you started in the first place. Y'all didnt start something to end it off this way. Go on a date or retrace your first date! For me, I constantly ask Koh if he remembers our first date and how he felt at that point. The answer is always the same!

random insert of us

Again, perhaps these only work in this relationship. A wise man once told me that relationships are like boats. They need to be tested in open waters and rough seas, not in the confines of a harbour. Let things flow and pray that it will go your way. Not everyone is lucky strike toto at first buy of 4D. So good luck to your relationship!

Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity!

I believe in being real. Being genuine. Being myself.

Often, circumstances have caused people to mould themselves to what society deems they should be/behave. In all honesty (is the best policy), I reckon this should not be the case. Society should not be the reason to mould you into whatever. One should always trust oneself.

Even in a relationship. One should never mould themselves into what the partner dream their partners to be like. I mean, what is the use? To quote a good friend "If I want a fat boyfriend, I would have dated a fat guy from the start." I didn't agree with that, neither did I comment any further than a 'LOL'.

Then if my boyfriend lost an arm in an accident, I die die must break up with him. 'Cause if I want a boyfriend without an arm, I would have dated a guy without an arm from the start, no?

There will be a change. Somehow. Good or bad, we dont know and that is the beauty, isn't it. If you have to go through life, knowing it all, don't you think you will find another way to live it. Full of excitements, surprises and more excitement. If you have to go through life, knowing what will happen next, might as well just end it. No point living a reality with the script memorized in your head. Perhaps, going against the universe is the dream.

We need spice. Now, that is life.

We also need me to insert random chio photos of myself.

I just bought some Bak Gu Teh (BGT) spices for Koh and his family who are huge fans of BGT. Maybe that is why I suddenly thought of having spice in life. Because I am fairly boring. Therefore, I do not blog the way the others do. In fact, I go missing... for fun. Or that threatening the universe that you are going to do something drastic just to get things the way you want things to run.

Maybe, get a bad Do-It-Yourself hair dye job. Speaking of which, I have black, red and brown all over my Chinese head. Can I please get a hair sponsor? To do something (other than shaving my locks) exciting? I thank you in advance. You can contact me at wednesdaysessions@gmail.com .

Friends, dont be shy. You know any kind soul who wants to do a Chinese head (sounds wrong so no pun intended), please pass my number/name/email or I can buay paiseh and contact them myself.

And oh, I hate living on the 11th floor. I can't open my windows for long and I dont like the a/c so my room is.. wait why am I telling you this again?

Whose existence I doubt exist.

Found an old old entry!

You will think that after 6 years of leaving high school, I will have old photos deleted not wanting to have any memories of it. Sure there were silly mistakes and things I've done that I obviously am not proud of. But those were my growing days. I learnt from mistakes (esp hair cuts) and thank the advices I got from teachers who showed their care/concern differently.

I've found an old entry on my high school memories and things I did when teacher is not around/bored. Long gone were the days I blog about my own personal life and its gonna change. Believe me. Like Charlieissocoollike, I am having a mid life crisis. Okay, he had a mid week youtube crisis.

Enjoy!







Remember your Secondary/High School days? Or your graduation? Pity me that my batch of graduates didnt have a Graduation Dinner or Prom or whatsoever. However, I really feel like going thru old pictures of my school days with you.



Like everyone else, I sleep in class especially during Chinese classes because I smartly chose to drop it.



My ex-bf who shares the same common interest as me =]]




I even won medals in Takraw Competitions. Okay, not me. its the boys but I love Takraw. FIND ME A GIRL TEAM!!

I hereby show you my uniform as a Jap School girl:



HOHOHO.


You know the best thing about Secondary/High School timetable is that YOU CAN MEET YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO GRADUATED BEFORE YOU.


What about your fav and least fav Classrooms? I know clearly which is my least fav:

Yes, the place I failed to burn down.

In school, where I figure Chinese guys are not so bad after all:





WE HAVE OUR VERY OWN SUPERMODEL TOO!






RANDOM:

In school, we work too.

Whic eventually lead to:





So during Sports Day this is what we do:




The last day of Os:





My crush-turned-hangout buddy:




We tried skating on a table.




I wish I had a Grad.Night =[


I badly want to watch HSM 3 and see how their Grad. Night went. Dont you?


If I had Grad Night, it will turn out to be like this:

BALLOONS, PPL IN RED AND MUSIC!

I love these three items and I know its not my birthday but one can dream right?


This is prolly how it will turn out to be like. Formal wears, formal picture taking, food, table and alot of F*** the DM!!!

imagine:

PARTYING. Thats what you can get from my school parties.

Best best classmates ever:

Jaminah, you still havent tell me why the white tigers fight.