Mandarin

.. scares me.

I teach Mandarin too but the really basic ones.

Because I speak with an horrible weird accent.

I didnt used to be scared of the language. As a Gemini, we embrace languages. I also remember how I got 80/80 once in primary 2 and my friend said I cheated -.-" Then, the language got harder and harder. Even though my method was to memorized the entire 华文词语手册 (ci yu shou ce) weeks before my Mother Tongue Examination, the language started to scare me.

Its like there are more and more words introduced to me in a span of seconds and these words were not in my 手册 or my textbook. I felt like I was in a maze and these words are chasing and I need to find a way out. It was in Secondary School where I began to shun the subject.

I cry while doing worksheets/workbook in every Mother Tongue lesson. I cry while doing my exam. As I advance into another level of Secondary School, I started to punch (toilet) walls. I was fucking frustrated at the language; at how I couldn't read those characters.

Soon, I lost all interest in this beautiful language. I picked up Malay instead. It was not a bad idea considering we were encouraged to be bilingual however, it made it harder for me to blend in with the Chinese. My Hanyu Pinying is still very strong (as it is English based) but I still get frustrated when comes to reading and writing.

Sometimes, I cant believe I made it thru Secondary School. I only gave up and took Chinese Language Basic (CLB aka Chinese Language for Bodohs) for O levels. I dont know where I stand. CLB was too easy but the GCE was too tough. I know my teacher was disappointed that I want to drop Mandarin. Mdm Peng, 對不起.

Now, whenever I kbox, I try to sing Mandarin songs. Most of it were already memorized by me beforehand, some I just "lala" over, others I just sing with the Analog on. Dont get me wrong, if Koh and I were together alone singing, I usually will pull a sibei angry face and throw the mic on the sofa when I get frustrated with not being able to read the words. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO USE THE NON SIMPLIFIED VERSION OF MANDARIN, runs through my head all. the. time.